Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been around much. Or that I've been around but not 'here'. I dunno if this will make any sense whatsoever but I'll try.
(Please note that this will likely be tl;dr and not very interesting in the slightest but I feel I have to write it down.)
Also, I had completely lost the will to blog so I'm not sure why I had the urge to write this, but I guess from the depths of depression comes my best inspiration.
Initially it was because I met a truly wonderful person. And the internet just wasn't interesting when I was around her. As much as I love her, there is no future for us. Because she has chosen someone else.
It's never me apparently. I'm a "wonderful person who deserves better". I hear that way too much. I don't want better. I want you. Not anyone else. And since everyone is unique, I'll never find anyone else exactly like her. No one with the same traits, personality, flaws, and awesomeness.
Now, I knew it was coming. I knew this would happen when I got into the relationship in the first place. But I tried to follow a friends advice and live for today. Not worry about the future. To be quite honest, I have no regrets.
I guess it's getting to the point where I wonder why I even bother. Why try to love? Why expose myself to more pain? Throughout elementary school and highschool, I was in a shell. I was curled up inside my mind. At recess and lunch, I'd just read instead of playing with others. And then I'd hate them for excluding me. Even though I was the one excluding myself by not trying to be included. At nights, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I didn't know how miserable I was making myself by lying to myself and telling myself I needed no one. So I'd read till I passed out from exhaustion. I used to read so much. Then I switched to pills to knock myself out.
University changed me, however. In many ways. The first is that it broke me out of my shell. I did a complete 180. Suddenly, instead of loathing all other people, I was longing to be with them. Also, it was like a barrier was removed and suddenly, I had emotions. I never had them before. I was just numb. And once I had them, I wished I could make them go away. The second way it changed me was by failing, it destroyed the remnants of my self confidence. At this point, I felt lonely and needed to be with people. But due to poor social skills, I'd just sit at home drinking and feeling sorry for myself.
I also had this tendency to get attached to people and then get absolutely crushed by them. It's happened so many times you'd think I'd learn, but I don't. I've been lied to so many times and had my head screwed around with by so many people that I am paranoid and freak out pretty easily. I also have a codependency issue (that people keep making worse, IMHO) ( n.b. see, I always try to blame others for my own problems.)
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, not even in my family. I've felt it for a while now. And I think subconsciously, I am pushing my parents to the point of kicking me out so I have an excuse to leave and yet I can still whine about how it is their fault.
When I got home from work yesterday, I was feeling pretty pathetic. And suddenly, I was numb. I became objective, which happens with me from time to time. And my brain started digging up things I had buried for a quite some time. I lay there thinking for about 2 hours before talking to anyone at all. Some things, I pushed to the back of my mind, like how my actions affect others. But I couldn't stop the cascade of thought. Of course, being the way I am, once I realized how my actions were affecting others, I tried to bury it again, before my consciousness realized how horrible a person I've been. But then I had an epiphany about some things which lead to an epiphany about other things. And I realized that I've been withdrawing into my shell again. If it continues, I'll probably seem cold and heartless like I used to be, years ago. That is, if I'm even still on the net.
A while ago, I decided to stop taking my antidepressants. They never fix the problem. Just like when I used to be alcoholic. When I used to drink and take pills and pass out or cry myself to sleep. All my problems would still be there, louder and more painfully bright than ever. I have this tendency to run from my problems.
Of course this never solves anything, but I do it anyway. And I see myself ending up alone, isolated by my own actions, either on the street or in a psych ward. Well, that is one of a few possibilities. But being alone, being away is the likely one.
So what I'm basically saying is that I'm putting myself through my own personal hell, and there is nothing anyone can do to help me. If I emerge from these cleansing fires, then maybe I'll be a better person. If not, I'll die. I guess it's a win win situation.
I realize now why I felt so compelled to write this and post it. Because otherwise, I'd just end up burying it again.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I met a bunny
So much has happened since my last entry.
I wasn't going to write this today, but a friend asked me to so I decided I'd give it a try.
First though, as followup to my last journal, it wasn't IRC or gmail that was increasing my phone bill. It's actually just that annoying access fee thing for 911 and stuff.
School went... well... basically how I expected it to. I failed two of my classes, one of which was calculus. (Technically I failed another class but I got credit in it once I showed my university transcript). Programming... well, I sort of didn't do the assignments. I aced the exams, but because I hadn't done the assignments, I didn't pass.
I met with my academic advisor and we went over my possibilities. And I'll be taking a reduced course load over the next few semesters.
During exam week, I met someone amazing. She cooks really good steak. My parents got so pissed off that I stayed over at her house. I hate how they restrict my freedom. They won't let me stay over with her... it sucks cause I was only going to cuddle her as we slept. I found out how much I love holding someone in my arms while I sleep. Cuddling is very awesome.
She is also the only person, as far as I know, that I can be with and not need to be on the internet while I'm with her. The first few times I went to her place I brought my laptop but I didn't bother opening it so I don't bring it these days. Also, I've been told I'm very talented at lovemaking (yay! atleast I'm naturally good at something. XD ). (Apparently, my fingers are incredibly skilled too! :O I'm very proud)
Now that I found out about school stuff, I'll be taking extra hours at work, so I may have a weird schedule at times.
Had a wisdom tooth pulled last monday. My last one gets pulled this upcoming monday. Hung out with my friend Kuna for most of the week. One day we went to the West Edmonton Mall. They are filming a movie there which is kind of neat. It's the biggest mall in the world and it is really awesome. Of course, neither of us did any shopping (and until I get more hours at work, I can't afford much shopping) but we looked at all kinds of stores and had a great time.
On friday, we walked around the city (I also took her to a restaurant called death by chocolate... it was soooooo good) and then went to some hiking trails in a forest. It was very pretty and I really enjoyed exploring. We had lots of fun. And I took tons of pics.
This is really what I've needed. To get my ass off the internet and interact with real people. Well... not just any people... just her. And I can hardly wait till I get to see her next. She's shown me parts of the city I never even knew existed. She is so incredibly wonderful. I'm really glad I met her.
err... I know there is TONS of stuff I forgot to mention. But maybe later, when I remember, I'll add it.
I have either got allergies or a cold. Either way, I am stuffed up. But hopefully I'll be less stuffed up soon.
Also, my server makes me happy. I did a tiny bit more code on it (really simplistic) but I'm happy about the uptime.
$ uptime
10:54PM up 414 days, 7:19, 5 users, load averages: 0.00, 0.00, 0.00
Now for a teensy bit of feelings:
.longing.
As I lay here in bed, alone
I miss her.
I miss her warmth,
her scent.
I miss her warm lips
pressed against mine.
I miss the way her black hair
brushes across my face.
I miss gazing into her deep brown eyes,
losing myself in their beautiful depths.
I miss the way she burrows into me,
snuggling up close,
laying her head on my chest.
I miss how it feels to hold her close,
to caress her soft, delicate skin.
I miss her warm breath,
as it caresses my neck.
I miss holding her while she sleeps.
I wasn't going to write this today, but a friend asked me to so I decided I'd give it a try.
First though, as followup to my last journal, it wasn't IRC or gmail that was increasing my phone bill. It's actually just that annoying access fee thing for 911 and stuff.
School went... well... basically how I expected it to. I failed two of my classes, one of which was calculus. (Technically I failed another class but I got credit in it once I showed my university transcript). Programming... well, I sort of didn't do the assignments. I aced the exams, but because I hadn't done the assignments, I didn't pass.
I met with my academic advisor and we went over my possibilities. And I'll be taking a reduced course load over the next few semesters.
During exam week, I met someone amazing. She cooks really good steak. My parents got so pissed off that I stayed over at her house. I hate how they restrict my freedom. They won't let me stay over with her... it sucks cause I was only going to cuddle her as we slept. I found out how much I love holding someone in my arms while I sleep. Cuddling is very awesome.
She is also the only person, as far as I know, that I can be with and not need to be on the internet while I'm with her. The first few times I went to her place I brought my laptop but I didn't bother opening it so I don't bring it these days. Also, I've been told I'm very talented at lovemaking (yay! atleast I'm naturally good at something. XD ). (Apparently, my fingers are incredibly skilled too! :O I'm very proud)
Now that I found out about school stuff, I'll be taking extra hours at work, so I may have a weird schedule at times.
Had a wisdom tooth pulled last monday. My last one gets pulled this upcoming monday. Hung out with my friend Kuna for most of the week. One day we went to the West Edmonton Mall. They are filming a movie there which is kind of neat. It's the biggest mall in the world and it is really awesome. Of course, neither of us did any shopping (and until I get more hours at work, I can't afford much shopping) but we looked at all kinds of stores and had a great time.
On friday, we walked around the city (I also took her to a restaurant called death by chocolate... it was soooooo good) and then went to some hiking trails in a forest. It was very pretty and I really enjoyed exploring. We had lots of fun. And I took tons of pics.
This is really what I've needed. To get my ass off the internet and interact with real people. Well... not just any people... just her. And I can hardly wait till I get to see her next. She's shown me parts of the city I never even knew existed. She is so incredibly wonderful. I'm really glad I met her.
err... I know there is TONS of stuff I forgot to mention. But maybe later, when I remember, I'll add it.
I have either got allergies or a cold. Either way, I am stuffed up. But hopefully I'll be less stuffed up soon.
Also, my server makes me happy. I did a tiny bit more code on it (really simplistic) but I'm happy about the uptime.
$ uptime
10:54PM up 414 days, 7:19, 5 users, load averages: 0.00, 0.00, 0.00
Now for a teensy bit of feelings:
.longing.
As I lay here in bed, alone
I miss her.
I miss her warmth,
her scent.
I miss her warm lips
pressed against mine.
I miss the way her black hair
brushes across my face.
I miss gazing into her deep brown eyes,
losing myself in their beautiful depths.
I miss the way she burrows into me,
snuggling up close,
laying her head on my chest.
I miss how it feels to hold her close,
to caress her soft, delicate skin.
I miss her warm breath,
as it caresses my neck.
I miss holding her while she sleeps.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
rumors of my death
"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated" --Mark Twain
Sorry I haven't written for a while. I lost my motivation and then I had nothing to say. Literally.
Nothing.
At all.
It sucked.
I hate how I get inspired to do things I don't have the skills for. I want to create music. I want to create art and writings that will touch people.
Yesterday, the weather decided to hate. It was pouring rain so I was on the bus, soaked. Earlier it had been 6 degrees Celsius and so I was dressed for the better weather. Then the rain turned to snow and I had a headache. So anyway, I was feeling miserable and glitching. So I decided to listen to music. And then it was insane. Open eye visuals. I wasn't on anything, but I was seeing stuff. And... I was inspired by a song by BT to make an animation to it. And I had an entire story board done up in my head. It was mostly muted sepia tones, and consisted primarily of warfare. I just keep remembering this soldier running toward the viewer, then jumping as a shell goes off behind him. My visuals shifted to an ariel view of a circuit board and the sepia tone was gone. Blue crackles of electricity coursed through it.
So apparently I'm unable to escape electronics class, even when I am on the bus.
I can't escape work either. Last night I dreamt. Two separate dreams actually. One was odd because instead of being in it... I was watching... which made sense actually since the dream was an episode of Futurama. I may tell you all that one later, I'm not sure. But the other dream was about work. I was scheduled for one hour which was odd. And I was wearing pajamas. And the manager talked to me about that. Both managers were there. The back room was huge and full of shiny new equipment. The fish department had a new employee who actually worked. Those stupid dairy guys were messing with our new equipment and I yelled at them. There was a blue nintendo Wii logo on the wall. And one of the things I had to bring in was 'octal potatoes'. It was odd. Oh, I also had my laptop bag there and the strap broke.
ARGGGGGGGGGGG.... http://www.behringer.com/BCD2000/index.cfm?lang=ENG I WANT. PLZ PLZ PLZ. MUST HAVE. Anyone know of similar/cheaper alternatives (this one is over $200CDN).
MUST BE PATIENT... OMFG... JUST WAIT FOR THAT BONUS... ;_;
Gonna blow my bonus on a subwoofer and I dunno. But definitely need a subwoofer or I will die from bass withdrawal.
Apparently, either IRC on my phone or gmail is still costing money. Not much because the data transfer with either is incredibly low. Seems the only thing that costs nothing is the text messaging. Oh well.
Sorry I haven't written for a while. I lost my motivation and then I had nothing to say. Literally.
Nothing.
At all.
It sucked.
I hate how I get inspired to do things I don't have the skills for. I want to create music. I want to create art and writings that will touch people.
Yesterday, the weather decided to hate. It was pouring rain so I was on the bus, soaked. Earlier it had been 6 degrees Celsius and so I was dressed for the better weather. Then the rain turned to snow and I had a headache. So anyway, I was feeling miserable and glitching. So I decided to listen to music. And then it was insane. Open eye visuals. I wasn't on anything, but I was seeing stuff. And... I was inspired by a song by BT to make an animation to it. And I had an entire story board done up in my head. It was mostly muted sepia tones, and consisted primarily of warfare. I just keep remembering this soldier running toward the viewer, then jumping as a shell goes off behind him. My visuals shifted to an ariel view of a circuit board and the sepia tone was gone. Blue crackles of electricity coursed through it.
So apparently I'm unable to escape electronics class, even when I am on the bus.
I can't escape work either. Last night I dreamt. Two separate dreams actually. One was odd because instead of being in it... I was watching... which made sense actually since the dream was an episode of Futurama. I may tell you all that one later, I'm not sure. But the other dream was about work. I was scheduled for one hour which was odd. And I was wearing pajamas. And the manager talked to me about that. Both managers were there. The back room was huge and full of shiny new equipment. The fish department had a new employee who actually worked. Those stupid dairy guys were messing with our new equipment and I yelled at them. There was a blue nintendo Wii logo on the wall. And one of the things I had to bring in was 'octal potatoes'. It was odd. Oh, I also had my laptop bag there and the strap broke.
ARGGGGGGGGGGG.... http://www.behringer.com/BCD2000/index.cfm?lang=ENG I WANT. PLZ PLZ PLZ. MUST HAVE. Anyone know of similar/cheaper alternatives (this one is over $200CDN).
MUST BE PATIENT... OMFG... JUST WAIT FOR THAT BONUS... ;_;
Gonna blow my bonus on a subwoofer and I dunno. But definitely need a subwoofer or I will die from bass withdrawal.
Apparently, either IRC on my phone or gmail is still costing money. Not much because the data transfer with either is incredibly low. Seems the only thing that costs nothing is the text messaging. Oh well.
Friday, March 09, 2007
out
Date: March 9th, 2007
Mood: bored, tired, a little lonely
Another beautiful and warm day. I overslept again but I didn't miss anything important. I couldn't find my sunglasses (the magnetic ones) but I found the cool looking ones so I'm wearing them.
I was right about the way I felt yesterday. As soon as I sat down to do work, I stared blankly until I just felt like laying down.
I have tonight off. which is kinda nice, except I don't really have anything planned except that I don't want to be sitting infront of my computer all night. I want to go out, but I encounter two minor setbacks. One is that sitting in a club alone probably would make me feel worse so I need to find someone to go with, and the other problem is I don't drive. I have driven before and know how to, but I've never gotten around to being road tested yet. And even if I had, I don't have anything to drive. (Nor could I afford fuel and insurance for that matter.)
This becomes a problem because although there are many busses in edmonton during the day, there aren't really any I can take at 3 or 4 in the morning.
I really need to get out though so I'll have to see what I can arrange.
Saturday doesn't look promising for going out because I have to work and on Sunday, I should be studying for a midterm.
I am hoping that by doing something tonight, I'll be able to relax and then I'll be able to focus better. But unless I can find someone to hang out with, I'm screwed.
Mood: bored, tired, a little lonely
Another beautiful and warm day. I overslept again but I didn't miss anything important. I couldn't find my sunglasses (the magnetic ones) but I found the cool looking ones so I'm wearing them.
I was right about the way I felt yesterday. As soon as I sat down to do work, I stared blankly until I just felt like laying down.
I have tonight off. which is kinda nice, except I don't really have anything planned except that I don't want to be sitting infront of my computer all night. I want to go out, but I encounter two minor setbacks. One is that sitting in a club alone probably would make me feel worse so I need to find someone to go with, and the other problem is I don't drive. I have driven before and know how to, but I've never gotten around to being road tested yet. And even if I had, I don't have anything to drive. (Nor could I afford fuel and insurance for that matter.)
This becomes a problem because although there are many busses in edmonton during the day, there aren't really any I can take at 3 or 4 in the morning.
I really need to get out though so I'll have to see what I can arrange.
Saturday doesn't look promising for going out because I have to work and on Sunday, I should be studying for a midterm.
I am hoping that by doing something tonight, I'll be able to relax and then I'll be able to focus better. But unless I can find someone to hang out with, I'm screwed.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
hope?
Date: March 8th, 2007
Mood: mad at myself, tired, oddly optimistic
And my phone just crashed three times in a row. I think the application is corrupt.
Even though I don't have money to spend, I end up spending it anyway and this is why credit cards are bad and also wtf, why do I have to be an impulse shopper?
I'm hoping that I get my $1000 bonus soon, but it isn't likely. Even once I've got 1000 hours, it will still take another 200 hours or so for them to process it. Why would I need all this money anyway? Well, life is expensive. Especially when you suck at not spending money. All those morning coffees, snacks when I'm low on blood sugar, etc really adds up. And repairing my aging computer equipment. But also I plan on getting a subwoofer some time soon. And that will probably be $175 atleast. And I want to upgrade my iBook. It came with a 40GB HDD but that is kind of small. I'd like to stick a bigger drive in there. (And I can do that install myself, lol, even on a mac.) So one solution is to work more hours, although that is not really the best idea, since the more nights I work, the less time for homework and the less sleep I get. I only made it to one class today because I slept in because I was so tired. I still am tired.
In much worse news, however, when I went to book off the 17th, I found they had already scheduled me. So I either skip work somehow, or I go late to the rave.
This one guy on my bus today was the leader of materials management of our health system in the region and he looked kinda cool. This girl though... wow. she had the most amazing tattoo on her arm. Highly detailed and Egyptian. It had one of those cats and a lady behind it.
I've been getting to talk to people lately, and I'm feeling somewhat motivated. And I know I'm good enough to teach myself the programming stuff I missed. Hopefully I'll remain motivated enough to finish everything. Well, with all the new music I got yesterday, I'm sure I'll be able to. It is good coding music. But arggggg, I NEED a sub. I'm in the sort of mood I get in when I actually like sitting at my desk and logging into a bunch of computers and doing ten billion things at once. I haven't felt like this for quite a while now, and I hope it lasts. (note, as soon as I sit down to do some work, this mood will, quite likely, vanish). I should do my math homework but I think I will focus on C++ only cause I have a mid-term on that on monday.
Outside was really nice so I wasn't able to remain in a bad mood. But, if I don't find my sunglasses, my eyes are going to die and fall out. omfg so bright.
Although, I do feel like ranting a little. (but I haven't researched ways of FORCING it to do what I want so there may be workarounds.)
I have an iPod. I'm a little pissed off at the limitations -designed- into it.
I've also used a minidisc player and I wasn't 100% happy with it's software either, but it wasn't as bad. The minidisc player had amazing battery life and quality, in both sound and construction. I've no complaints with the sound from my iPod. But why the hell do I have to use it with a computer? Why can't I rip CDs to it directly? Why can't I use it with multiple computers? My iBooks hard disk drive is 40GB. My iPod is 80GB. If I want to fill it, and I use it with my mac, I can't fit enough music on my drive to do it. And maybe I want to load some music from one of my PCs. I think know why they did this. DRM. Digital restrictions management.
I'm sick and tired of companies treating all of us like criminals. I'm pretty sure that the license of the iPod says apple can put whatever they want on it and ultimately owns it more than I do. Similar with my PSP. They intentionally make it so you can't write your own code for it unless you refuse to upgrade the firmware and if you don't upgrade it, then you can't play the newer games. When did we lose ownership of things we have legitimately purchased? What's the point of buying something if you don't own it?
The built in iCal is nice though.
(lol, wrote yesterday but forgot to post it. yay backdating!)
Mood: mad at myself, tired, oddly optimistic
And my phone just crashed three times in a row. I think the application is corrupt.
Even though I don't have money to spend, I end up spending it anyway and this is why credit cards are bad and also wtf, why do I have to be an impulse shopper?
I'm hoping that I get my $1000 bonus soon, but it isn't likely. Even once I've got 1000 hours, it will still take another 200 hours or so for them to process it. Why would I need all this money anyway? Well, life is expensive. Especially when you suck at not spending money. All those morning coffees, snacks when I'm low on blood sugar, etc really adds up. And repairing my aging computer equipment. But also I plan on getting a subwoofer some time soon. And that will probably be $175 atleast. And I want to upgrade my iBook. It came with a 40GB HDD but that is kind of small. I'd like to stick a bigger drive in there. (And I can do that install myself, lol, even on a mac.) So one solution is to work more hours, although that is not really the best idea, since the more nights I work, the less time for homework and the less sleep I get. I only made it to one class today because I slept in because I was so tired. I still am tired.
In much worse news, however, when I went to book off the 17th, I found they had already scheduled me. So I either skip work somehow, or I go late to the rave.
This one guy on my bus today was the leader of materials management of our health system in the region and he looked kinda cool. This girl though... wow. she had the most amazing tattoo on her arm. Highly detailed and Egyptian. It had one of those cats and a lady behind it.
I've been getting to talk to people lately, and I'm feeling somewhat motivated. And I know I'm good enough to teach myself the programming stuff I missed. Hopefully I'll remain motivated enough to finish everything. Well, with all the new music I got yesterday, I'm sure I'll be able to. It is good coding music. But arggggg, I NEED a sub. I'm in the sort of mood I get in when I actually like sitting at my desk and logging into a bunch of computers and doing ten billion things at once. I haven't felt like this for quite a while now, and I hope it lasts. (note, as soon as I sit down to do some work, this mood will, quite likely, vanish). I should do my math homework but I think I will focus on C++ only cause I have a mid-term on that on monday.
Outside was really nice so I wasn't able to remain in a bad mood. But, if I don't find my sunglasses, my eyes are going to die and fall out. omfg so bright.
Although, I do feel like ranting a little. (but I haven't researched ways of FORCING it to do what I want so there may be workarounds.)
I have an iPod. I'm a little pissed off at the limitations -designed- into it.
I've also used a minidisc player and I wasn't 100% happy with it's software either, but it wasn't as bad. The minidisc player had amazing battery life and quality, in both sound and construction. I've no complaints with the sound from my iPod. But why the hell do I have to use it with a computer? Why can't I rip CDs to it directly? Why can't I use it with multiple computers? My iBooks hard disk drive is 40GB. My iPod is 80GB. If I want to fill it, and I use it with my mac, I can't fit enough music on my drive to do it. And maybe I want to load some music from one of my PCs. I think know why they did this. DRM. Digital restrictions management.
I'm sick and tired of companies treating all of us like criminals. I'm pretty sure that the license of the iPod says apple can put whatever they want on it and ultimately owns it more than I do. Similar with my PSP. They intentionally make it so you can't write your own code for it unless you refuse to upgrade the firmware and if you don't upgrade it, then you can't play the newer games. When did we lose ownership of things we have legitimately purchased? What's the point of buying something if you don't own it?
The built in iCal is nice though.
(lol, wrote yesterday but forgot to post it. yay backdating!)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
double journal extraordinare
Date: March 7th, 2007
Mood: wanna dance, excited, rave
OH MANCHII/SNEBBIT/TOM YOU LOVABLE ROGUE YOU!
I was telling him about this rave I want to go to and as soon as he saw AK 1200 was playing he told me I had to go. Now, I'd never heard of this guy so I searched for some of his tracks, (thx internet). I stuck them on my iPod lastnight and didn't get to listen to them till I was on the bus this morning.
Needless to say, I'm totally addicted.
Drum n bass. Oontz.
I approached my parents about going to the rave. (Since I live in their house and it's only courteous to do so). And they were against it, however I'm going regardless. Lol, I think I was invited to the strippers for the same night but I'd rather go to the rave, personally. I mean, I have the internet, what use have I for strippers? XD
I'm sitting almost exactly where I was when I wrote my journal yesterday. Because I don't go to english (because I am dropping it one of these days) classes don't start until later today. But I was up earlier than I needed to be. So I took a bus into the city. Went to the mall. The lineup for coffee was intimidating so I decided to walk around the city. Lots of people on the street were asking for change but I don't carry change cause I only use electronic money 99.9% of the time. I just wandered around, listlessly. Not caring where I went. I'm not even sure what determined my path. But it was a pleasant walk and it was between -1C and 4C so it felt so good. Oh, and I snapped another building picture or two.
My taste in music has grown and changed so much over the past few years. When I was a lot younger, I was so into the 80's, 90's and pop music... (not the good kind of pop, the embarrassing kind). Then I got into metal and rock. I got a midi keyboard and tried to learn how to play but lost interest after about a year.
A year or two ago, a friend who is an artist and musician got me into chiptunes and reintroduced me to 80's music. Around the same time, I started listening to Midnight Snacks. Yes, that W.T. Snacks. His internet radio show introduced me to genres that I had never thought to look into. This was where I developed my love of glitch. I also was watching CSI as much as I could and really liked the music they used. About half a year after this, a friend introduced me to indie music, a la the Paper Chase and an invite to oink. I love the Paper Chase. Now with last.fm, I've had a much easier time finding music I like and then finding music similar to it, and I've been especially into rave, trance, electronic, dance and techno lately.
"This is my melody and it's just a raver's fantasy.
Cause I know if you´re in love with me tonight,
we're ravin' through the night." - Raver's Fantasy, by Tune Up
It seems one of my coworkers quit. No one seems to care anymore. No, I don't intend to stay at this job. No, I don't think produce is as important as being a programmer or something, but I do think the job deserves the same respect from the worker. The company keeps hiring children, still wet behind the ears, and they need their hands held through everything. Some of them couldn't care less about showing up for work and sometimes leave us to do their share of the work. And they get away with it because they are unionized. (Don't get me wrong, I like our union cause they keep getting our wages raised and the company I work for would very likely treat us even worse without the union... they like to cut costs). I have a sense of responsibility. I even had it when I was younger and taught martial arts. I've stayed late a few times when it was needed to prevent the department from losing a lot of money. So yeah, since my coworker quit, there is no one to do the close tonight. They called everyone. At first I said I'd rather not because this is the middle of the week and I have school, and they tried to find someone else, but they called me back and said there was no one else, so although I really don't want to, I'm going to close the department tonight. I need the extra money anyway. I also, in an odd way, enjoy the fact that I am needed. Kinda makes me feel like I have a purpose. Again, I got to set my terms so I said I'm out of there half an hour early and they are ok with that.
I've been wondering, do you, the readers of my blog, enjoy reading it? Is it like a form of entertainment? Is it interesting? I dunno why I was wondering, just curious I guess, but plz feedback!
P.S.
Me having a credit card is a bad thing D:
Especially when I just impulsively buy things I can't afford.
;_;
P.P.S
I remembered that I hadn't been eating much lately, so I was curious and found out I weigh like 6lbs less than a week or 2 ago. (lol, I got used to checking my weight when I used to train). *shrugs*
Mood: wanna dance, excited, rave
OH MANCHII/SNEBBIT/TOM YOU LOVABLE ROGUE YOU!
I was telling him about this rave I want to go to and as soon as he saw AK 1200 was playing he told me I had to go. Now, I'd never heard of this guy so I searched for some of his tracks, (thx internet). I stuck them on my iPod lastnight and didn't get to listen to them till I was on the bus this morning.
Needless to say, I'm totally addicted.
Drum n bass. Oontz.
I approached my parents about going to the rave. (Since I live in their house and it's only courteous to do so). And they were against it, however I'm going regardless. Lol, I think I was invited to the strippers for the same night but I'd rather go to the rave, personally. I mean, I have the internet, what use have I for strippers? XD
I'm sitting almost exactly where I was when I wrote my journal yesterday. Because I don't go to english (because I am dropping it one of these days) classes don't start until later today. But I was up earlier than I needed to be. So I took a bus into the city. Went to the mall. The lineup for coffee was intimidating so I decided to walk around the city. Lots of people on the street were asking for change but I don't carry change cause I only use electronic money 99.9% of the time. I just wandered around, listlessly. Not caring where I went. I'm not even sure what determined my path. But it was a pleasant walk and it was between -1C and 4C so it felt so good. Oh, and I snapped another building picture or two.
My taste in music has grown and changed so much over the past few years. When I was a lot younger, I was so into the 80's, 90's and pop music... (not the good kind of pop, the embarrassing kind). Then I got into metal and rock. I got a midi keyboard and tried to learn how to play but lost interest after about a year.
A year or two ago, a friend who is an artist and musician got me into chiptunes and reintroduced me to 80's music. Around the same time, I started listening to Midnight Snacks. Yes, that W.T. Snacks. His internet radio show introduced me to genres that I had never thought to look into. This was where I developed my love of glitch. I also was watching CSI as much as I could and really liked the music they used. About half a year after this, a friend introduced me to indie music, a la the Paper Chase and an invite to oink. I love the Paper Chase. Now with last.fm, I've had a much easier time finding music I like and then finding music similar to it, and I've been especially into rave, trance, electronic, dance and techno lately.
"This is my melody and it's just a raver's fantasy.
Cause I know if you´re in love with me tonight,
we're ravin' through the night." - Raver's Fantasy, by Tune Up
It seems one of my coworkers quit. No one seems to care anymore. No, I don't intend to stay at this job. No, I don't think produce is as important as being a programmer or something, but I do think the job deserves the same respect from the worker. The company keeps hiring children, still wet behind the ears, and they need their hands held through everything. Some of them couldn't care less about showing up for work and sometimes leave us to do their share of the work. And they get away with it because they are unionized. (Don't get me wrong, I like our union cause they keep getting our wages raised and the company I work for would very likely treat us even worse without the union... they like to cut costs). I have a sense of responsibility. I even had it when I was younger and taught martial arts. I've stayed late a few times when it was needed to prevent the department from losing a lot of money. So yeah, since my coworker quit, there is no one to do the close tonight. They called everyone. At first I said I'd rather not because this is the middle of the week and I have school, and they tried to find someone else, but they called me back and said there was no one else, so although I really don't want to, I'm going to close the department tonight. I need the extra money anyway. I also, in an odd way, enjoy the fact that I am needed. Kinda makes me feel like I have a purpose. Again, I got to set my terms so I said I'm out of there half an hour early and they are ok with that.
I've been wondering, do you, the readers of my blog, enjoy reading it? Is it like a form of entertainment? Is it interesting? I dunno why I was wondering, just curious I guess, but plz feedback!
P.S.
Me having a credit card is a bad thing D:
Especially when I just impulsively buy things I can't afford.
;_;
P.P.S
I remembered that I hadn't been eating much lately, so I was curious and found out I weigh like 6lbs less than a week or 2 ago. (lol, I got used to checking my weight when I used to train). *shrugs*
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
r4v3r
Date: March 6th, 2007
Mood: craving glowsticks and your warm embrace
Again, just cause it's important:
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
I wanna go to a rave. I want to get good at liquid dancing and popping.
You and me.
On the dance floor.
The music pulses and the lights strobe.
Both of us, moving in time to the music, grinding against eachother.
Hot, sweaty.
Our hearts pounding like the bass.
We kiss and I taste your sweat, feel your heat.
Lasers play across your stunningly beautiful face.
We embrace, still grinding, pulsing with the music.
Kissing, licking, hugging, lost in the music
Lost in the beat
Just us.
Nothing else matters.
Both of us
In the moment.
In the darkness light by strobes, lasers and glowsticks
And suddenly we are one person
moving in perfect time to the beat
In the roar of the music and the crowd
(yeah, I read a really hot rave fic and then while listening to music and drinking coffee, I came up with that)
Mood: craving glowsticks and your warm embrace
Again, just cause it's important:
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
I wanna go to a rave. I want to get good at liquid dancing and popping.
You and me.
On the dance floor.
The music pulses and the lights strobe.
Both of us, moving in time to the music, grinding against eachother.
Hot, sweaty.
Our hearts pounding like the bass.
We kiss and I taste your sweat, feel your heat.
Lasers play across your stunningly beautiful face.
We embrace, still grinding, pulsing with the music.
Kissing, licking, hugging, lost in the music
Lost in the beat
Just us.
Nothing else matters.
Both of us
In the moment.
In the darkness light by strobes, lasers and glowsticks
And suddenly we are one person
moving in perfect time to the beat
In the roar of the music and the crowd
(yeah, I read a really hot rave fic and then while listening to music and drinking coffee, I came up with that)
Monday, March 05, 2007
a mood swing
Title: a mood swing
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up
To my adoring and lovely people:
Day didn't get off to the best start. I had a really hard time getting up. I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness. Partly, it was my own fault. I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely. My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.
The midterm is going to be difficult. I don't know the material. At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I don't have anywhere else to go. If I fail here, I'm SOL. And I'll be kicked out of my house.
My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.
On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod. And I'm currently listening to some of them. I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good. A few of them are by local artists. And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.
So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee. I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.
I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.
About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad. I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music. (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)
I did a little reading yesterday. Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there. I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.
omgwtfbbq I need bass. I need bass badly. One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on. mmmmmmm yeah! This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.
Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush. The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes. (took me maybe 30 minutes) Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard. I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.
These headphones need to be louder. They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.
Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!
Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here. Lol, I am so trendy! wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod. (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)
The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up
To my adoring and lovely people:
Day didn't get off to the best start. I had a really hard time getting up. I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness. Partly, it was my own fault. I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely. My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.
The midterm is going to be difficult. I don't know the material. At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I don't have anywhere else to go. If I fail here, I'm SOL. And I'll be kicked out of my house.
My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.
On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod. And I'm currently listening to some of them. I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good. A few of them are by local artists. And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.
So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee. I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.
I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.
About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad. I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music. (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)
I did a little reading yesterday. Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there. I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.
omgwtfbbq I need bass. I need bass badly. One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on. mmmmmmm yeah! This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.
Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush. The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes. (took me maybe 30 minutes) Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard. I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.
These headphones need to be louder. They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.
Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!
Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here. Lol, I am so trendy! wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod. (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)
The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
Friday, March 02, 2007
I want my nanites, plz
Date: March 2nd, 2007
Mood: the warmth of the sun striking my cheek, loved, bored, creative
Weather
Although the sun is gently caressing my cheek, it is actually quite cold outside.
Shakespeare
This girl sitting next to me has this big book and is currently reading romeo and juliet. ...that turns me on so much, omfg.
Cleaning
I should take my laptop offline this weekend and give it a good cleaning. It is expected that the case would get fingerprints and dirt all over it, but the screen is a little dirty too and there is dust and hairs under the keyboard.
Usually, I've just been wiping the dust off the screen, and I don't really get any finger prints on it, but I think a damp cloth would probably do fine.
Work
I work tonight and tomorrow. The schedule made me happy though, since I'll be done at 9pm tonight. and tomorrow seems to be a 10 till 5 shift.
Thanks
Seriously, thank you to everyone who has been sticking with me, even when I have been getting emo and acting really selfish. I really appreciate it.
Blogging
I don't know why I do it.
I don't know if I'm any good at it.
I don't know how many people bother to read it.
But for some reason, I enjoy doing it.
Also, in a sense, I enjoy having the record of my thoughts. Sometimes I read back towards the beginning and think about how I've changed and how I've stayed the same.
Art
So yesterday, I uploaded a couple of pictures. If my creativity holds out long enough, I'll see if I can get a poem or two or maybe even a story up. And of course, more pictures. I'm on my way downtown right now, so I'll see if anything is inspiring or pretty.
Hatred of writing
Well, I''ve always said I hated writing. Well, I did (and still do). But it was more a hatred of forced writing. I'd do well on essays when I had fun and was controversial. For a guy that hates writing, I certainly do a lot of it!
Hatred of coding
Lol, never thought it would happen, but it did. I honestly see code as an artform. There is a certain degree of creativity involved. But, like writing, when I'm forced to do it, it really stifles my creativity. Don't get me wrong, I love computers and code. I just don't like having to submit it for marks :P
Console menu
Sometimes, I wish I could hit tab and open up a console menu. (Tilde, maybe?) But in real life. When the bus was going up the hill, I had a perfect view of the river valley and it would have been nice had I been able to enable no-clipping mode and fly mode. Then I could have gotten some amazing shots.
The future
I see social networking and blogging and that sort of thing really taking off soon. To an insanely large exponential growth that will shock many people.
I want my nanotechnology though. Then I'll have computers in my body, and wireless, of course. I'll be able to be connected anywhere. If I see a beautiful scene, I can record the image directly from my eyes.
I'm sure there will be downsides, and perhaps the government will attempt to limit or restrict the technologies use in humans, but I WILL have it. At any cost. Defiant till the end, rawr. I've wanted it for years.
Mood: the warmth of the sun striking my cheek, loved, bored, creative
Weather
Although the sun is gently caressing my cheek, it is actually quite cold outside.
Shakespeare
This girl sitting next to me has this big book and is currently reading romeo and juliet. ...that turns me on so much, omfg.
Cleaning
I should take my laptop offline this weekend and give it a good cleaning. It is expected that the case would get fingerprints and dirt all over it, but the screen is a little dirty too and there is dust and hairs under the keyboard.
Usually, I've just been wiping the dust off the screen, and I don't really get any finger prints on it, but I think a damp cloth would probably do fine.
Work
I work tonight and tomorrow. The schedule made me happy though, since I'll be done at 9pm tonight. and tomorrow seems to be a 10 till 5 shift.
Thanks
Seriously, thank you to everyone who has been sticking with me, even when I have been getting emo and acting really selfish. I really appreciate it.
Blogging
I don't know why I do it.
I don't know if I'm any good at it.
I don't know how many people bother to read it.
But for some reason, I enjoy doing it.
Also, in a sense, I enjoy having the record of my thoughts. Sometimes I read back towards the beginning and think about how I've changed and how I've stayed the same.
Art
So yesterday, I uploaded a couple of pictures. If my creativity holds out long enough, I'll see if I can get a poem or two or maybe even a story up. And of course, more pictures. I'm on my way downtown right now, so I'll see if anything is inspiring or pretty.
Hatred of writing
Well, I''ve always said I hated writing. Well, I did (and still do). But it was more a hatred of forced writing. I'd do well on essays when I had fun and was controversial. For a guy that hates writing, I certainly do a lot of it!
Hatred of coding
Lol, never thought it would happen, but it did. I honestly see code as an artform. There is a certain degree of creativity involved. But, like writing, when I'm forced to do it, it really stifles my creativity. Don't get me wrong, I love computers and code. I just don't like having to submit it for marks :P
Console menu
Sometimes, I wish I could hit tab and open up a console menu. (Tilde, maybe?) But in real life. When the bus was going up the hill, I had a perfect view of the river valley and it would have been nice had I been able to enable no-clipping mode and fly mode. Then I could have gotten some amazing shots.
The future
I see social networking and blogging and that sort of thing really taking off soon. To an insanely large exponential growth that will shock many people.
I want my nanotechnology though. Then I'll have computers in my body, and wireless, of course. I'll be able to be connected anywhere. If I see a beautiful scene, I can record the image directly from my eyes.
I'm sure there will be downsides, and perhaps the government will attempt to limit or restrict the technologies use in humans, but I WILL have it. At any cost. Defiant till the end, rawr. I've wanted it for years.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
muh
Date: March 1st, 2007
Mood: cold, apathetic
I'd almost swear I was a sinusoidal function or something.
Lastnight
Well, I had code to write. But I was missing someone. A lot. But I promised a friend I wouldn't be emo because it was hurting him. And I really didn't feel up to doing anything. So I took the stuff that helps me sleep again, hoping it would calm me, and it helped, but not enough. So I got my bottle of Jack Daniels out and had a glass of it. This helped even more and soon I was singing along with 80's songs!
Now, as for the coding... I have successfully written code while drunk before. But I was feeling artistic so I cropped and resized some photos instead! But then I was tired so I went to bed instead and didn't actually get around to coding.
Food
Food hasn't really interested me lately. I'm barely eating and when I do, it is not particularly healthy (I seem to only be able to force myself to eat tiny amounts of chocolate). Actually, a lot of things haven't interested me lately. I didn't feel like waking up earlier so I missed my first class and now, I'm seriously considering hanging out at the mall instead of going to math.
Mental health
lol, more like the lack thereof. I'm not entirely sure what is going on, nor do I want to speculate why I've become like this. And I don't want anyone else jumping to conclusions either. I dunno, everything just feels pointless lately.
Giving up
I dunno, I guess that seems like the best way to describe how I feel. I feel like I've pretty much given up on everything.
I'm not really the type to lie online, so I won't say I'm happy, but I'm not emo or depressed or anything, so don't worry about me.
Sleep
I thought I slept well, but I guess I didn't. I kept falling asleep on the bus. I don't think I'll go to the mall, I think I'll just sleep through math-class instead.
And I still need help on that laplace stuff.
lying to myself
no matter how much I convince myself otherwise, everything I do is for selfish reasons, and I'd like to apologize to everyone about that.
I just got myself some coffee in hopes it will perk me up.
I don't know how I keep writing these entries.
Mood: cold, apathetic
I'd almost swear I was a sinusoidal function or something.
Lastnight
Well, I had code to write. But I was missing someone. A lot. But I promised a friend I wouldn't be emo because it was hurting him. And I really didn't feel up to doing anything. So I took the stuff that helps me sleep again, hoping it would calm me, and it helped, but not enough. So I got my bottle of Jack Daniels out and had a glass of it. This helped even more and soon I was singing along with 80's songs!
Now, as for the coding... I have successfully written code while drunk before. But I was feeling artistic so I cropped and resized some photos instead! But then I was tired so I went to bed instead and didn't actually get around to coding.
Food
Food hasn't really interested me lately. I'm barely eating and when I do, it is not particularly healthy (I seem to only be able to force myself to eat tiny amounts of chocolate). Actually, a lot of things haven't interested me lately. I didn't feel like waking up earlier so I missed my first class and now, I'm seriously considering hanging out at the mall instead of going to math.
Mental health
lol, more like the lack thereof. I'm not entirely sure what is going on, nor do I want to speculate why I've become like this. And I don't want anyone else jumping to conclusions either. I dunno, everything just feels pointless lately.
Giving up
I dunno, I guess that seems like the best way to describe how I feel. I feel like I've pretty much given up on everything.
I'm not really the type to lie online, so I won't say I'm happy, but I'm not emo or depressed or anything, so don't worry about me.
Sleep
I thought I slept well, but I guess I didn't. I kept falling asleep on the bus. I don't think I'll go to the mall, I think I'll just sleep through math-class instead.
And I still need help on that laplace stuff.
lying to myself
no matter how much I convince myself otherwise, everything I do is for selfish reasons, and I'd like to apologize to everyone about that.
I just got myself some coffee in hopes it will perk me up.
I don't know how I keep writing these entries.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
feeling somewhat better
February 28th, 2007
Mood: happy to be alive, affectionate.
Weather
Nice and bright, a little chilly though.
Being ignored
Oops. I was wrong. She wasn't ignoring me at all. I am sorry for jumping to conclusions.
Being emo
Lately I've been kinda down and emo-ish. Sorry about that too. I'm feeling pretty good so far though today.
Update on pain
It seems to have gone away for now. I slept REALLY solidly lastnight because of the meds, and I think that helped. Also had a scaldingly hot shower which loosened my muscles a little bit, I think.
School
Well, I really need to drop english. And I missed the deadline on one code project and the other one is due today, but I haven't felt up to attempting it yet.
myspace
I got my myspace blog ( http://blog.myspace.com/nikuramon ) colored the way I like. I am pleased about this. Also, I got an ICQ # 372780591. Anyone that uses it should add me.
Art
Well, as I mentioned, I was working on some poetry and a story. I plan on continuing them and maybe uploading them.
I also charged all 4 sets of batteries for my camera. My memory card (1gb)
was full, so I formatted it (after making multiple backups of all pictures on it). What I'm saying is that I have made all preparations to take pictures, and I fully intend to.
Laplace transforms
...uh... I haven't payed any attention to the classes where he taught this, so if someone out there is good with laplace transforms for solving differential equations, please help!
Mood: happy to be alive, affectionate.
Weather
Nice and bright, a little chilly though.
Being ignored
Oops. I was wrong. She wasn't ignoring me at all. I am sorry for jumping to conclusions.
Being emo
Lately I've been kinda down and emo-ish. Sorry about that too. I'm feeling pretty good so far though today.
Update on pain
It seems to have gone away for now. I slept REALLY solidly lastnight because of the meds, and I think that helped. Also had a scaldingly hot shower which loosened my muscles a little bit, I think.
School
Well, I really need to drop english. And I missed the deadline on one code project and the other one is due today, but I haven't felt up to attempting it yet.
myspace
I got my myspace blog ( http://blog.myspace.com/nikuramon ) colored the way I like. I am pleased about this. Also, I got an ICQ # 372780591. Anyone that uses it should add me.
Art
Well, as I mentioned, I was working on some poetry and a story. I plan on continuing them and maybe uploading them.
I also charged all 4 sets of batteries for my camera. My memory card (1gb)
was full, so I formatted it (after making multiple backups of all pictures on it). What I'm saying is that I have made all preparations to take pictures, and I fully intend to.
Laplace transforms
...uh... I haven't payed any attention to the classes where he taught this, so if someone out there is good with laplace transforms for solving differential equations, please help!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
idunno
February 27th, 2007
Mood: intoxicated, ignored, strangely calm, lonely, missing you, and kinda depressed
Music: Gary Jules - Mad World, Nine Inch Nails - Right Where it Belongs
Writing
On the bus this morning there was this girl. And she looked interesting and I was bored so I just started to write this descriptive paragraph about her. It turned out mediocre, but it is a start.
==
"a girl boards the bus, she carries a tripod and wears a black coat and black rimmed glasses with wide side pieces. She has a red skirt with white dots and she sits across from me. She is wearing an additional black skirt underneath (it looks like) and black stockings and cute black boots. Her skin is fair and her hair is copper. On her backpack, there are a few band logos stitched on. Her hair is drawn back into a slight ponytail, tied off with a white hair elastic. I wish I had spiked my hair as I try not to be too obvious as I look at her."
==
Late
I slept in and missed my first two classes. I just didn't feel like getting out of bed today. I'm not going to debate weather or not fate exists. I don't really believe in it, but at the same time, it works well to describe certain things. When someone is condemned to death, they can fight it, or they can be at piece with it. I am essentially at that stage. There really is nothing I can do about it, and whining wont really help either. I guess I'm just tired.
When an animal knows it is going to die, it attains a sort of calm...
Pain
I dunno why, but my upper shoulders and neck are sore. Worse then they were yesterday. I don't know, maybe I'm not sleeping as well as I should be...
It is also somewhat interesting to explore how emotional pain is physically manifested by the body. Recently I've had a few nights where I become cold like a block of ice and felt sick. The feeling eventually passed, but I just find it odd how the mind makes the body suffer.
Skirts
This one girl (who's school apparently has a dresscode) was tying her shoes by putting her feet on a bench. This added a small bit of joy to my day.
Poetry
I got so bored in electricity that I just started writing. I don't know if it is worthy of submission yet, but it isn't too bad. I also started writing a short story. And even if I finish writing it, I may never submit it.
Got out early
My electricity prof wasn't feeling well so he let us out half an hour early. This allowed me to catch an earlier bus and this also makes me a bit happier.
Please watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
This made me smile.
Creativity
I knew once I got home, my creativity would be gone. And so I'm hoping it will be back tomorrow.
Update
I was feeling down and stuff so I took that sleeping stuff that has the same effect as alcohol. So I dunno. I dunno where I was going with this and thinking is hard so I'll post more stuff later, bye.
Mood: intoxicated, ignored, strangely calm, lonely, missing you, and kinda depressed
Music: Gary Jules - Mad World, Nine Inch Nails - Right Where it Belongs
Writing
On the bus this morning there was this girl. And she looked interesting and I was bored so I just started to write this descriptive paragraph about her. It turned out mediocre, but it is a start.
==
"a girl boards the bus, she carries a tripod and wears a black coat and black rimmed glasses with wide side pieces. She has a red skirt with white dots and she sits across from me. She is wearing an additional black skirt underneath (it looks like) and black stockings and cute black boots. Her skin is fair and her hair is copper. On her backpack, there are a few band logos stitched on. Her hair is drawn back into a slight ponytail, tied off with a white hair elastic. I wish I had spiked my hair as I try not to be too obvious as I look at her."
==
Late
I slept in and missed my first two classes. I just didn't feel like getting out of bed today. I'm not going to debate weather or not fate exists. I don't really believe in it, but at the same time, it works well to describe certain things. When someone is condemned to death, they can fight it, or they can be at piece with it. I am essentially at that stage. There really is nothing I can do about it, and whining wont really help either. I guess I'm just tired.
When an animal knows it is going to die, it attains a sort of calm...
Pain
I dunno why, but my upper shoulders and neck are sore. Worse then they were yesterday. I don't know, maybe I'm not sleeping as well as I should be...
It is also somewhat interesting to explore how emotional pain is physically manifested by the body. Recently I've had a few nights where I become cold like a block of ice and felt sick. The feeling eventually passed, but I just find it odd how the mind makes the body suffer.
Skirts
This one girl (who's school apparently has a dresscode) was tying her shoes by putting her feet on a bench. This added a small bit of joy to my day.
Poetry
I got so bored in electricity that I just started writing. I don't know if it is worthy of submission yet, but it isn't too bad. I also started writing a short story. And even if I finish writing it, I may never submit it.
Got out early
My electricity prof wasn't feeling well so he let us out half an hour early. This allowed me to catch an earlier bus and this also makes me a bit happier.
Please watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
This made me smile.
Creativity
I knew once I got home, my creativity would be gone. And so I'm hoping it will be back tomorrow.
Update
I was feeling down and stuff so I took that sleeping stuff that has the same effect as alcohol. So I dunno. I dunno where I was going with this and thinking is hard so I'll post more stuff later, bye.
Monday, February 26, 2007
a lonely week
February 26th, 2007
Mood: bored, missing you,
Smelling: diesel fuel
Reading week
Well, that was definitely one of my most unproductive weeks ever. It was also incredibly boring and lonely. Oh well, maybe next time. Goodness knows, she deserves some time off.
I did get a chance to lay around and do nothing though. So I'm not as tense as I was, although that is sure to change, as I think I missed the submission date on one of my code projects and I haven't started the other yet.
Sunrise
While I was waiting for my bus this morning, the sun was positioned just so that the sky was orange and pink. I shot a few pictures and it looks like they turned out ok, but I was about 6 or 7 minutes too early. And I couldn't get a good shot from the bus.
Weather
It was pretty cold waiting for the bus this morning. It needs to be nice and spring and flowers plz. Plz plz plz. oPlz.
Server
I updated my site a little bit. It isn't much better, but it is up.
Hair
My hilights are standing up well. They don't seem to have faded much if at all yet.
Being positive
lawl
Ok, so I'm not the most positive person. I have a tendency to focus on the bad things. (as someone keeps reminding me.) But her telling me that I'm doing that is really good and important because I don't usually notice myself doing it. (and I can't correct it if I don't realize I'm doing it.)
A lot of you sent me messages and chatted with me. Thanks. You've all helped me.
Music
I can't stand silence. It makes me feel lonely. Initially, my many computer fans were comforting, but after years of hearing them, and their unchanging tone, I unconsciously filter them out. I listened to a lot of last.fm radio last week. Even listening to it as I fell asleep. It was how I prevented myself from slipping into a huge depression... it didn't make me feel good, but it took the edge off the loneliness.
Ahhh, I'll be downtown soon. I think I'll take the bus from the mall to NAIT.
...
I'm at NAIT now.
Hey, anyone from Edmonton or area reading this blog?
Mood: bored, missing you,
Smelling: diesel fuel
Reading week
Well, that was definitely one of my most unproductive weeks ever. It was also incredibly boring and lonely. Oh well, maybe next time. Goodness knows, she deserves some time off.
I did get a chance to lay around and do nothing though. So I'm not as tense as I was, although that is sure to change, as I think I missed the submission date on one of my code projects and I haven't started the other yet.
Sunrise
While I was waiting for my bus this morning, the sun was positioned just so that the sky was orange and pink. I shot a few pictures and it looks like they turned out ok, but I was about 6 or 7 minutes too early. And I couldn't get a good shot from the bus.
Weather
It was pretty cold waiting for the bus this morning. It needs to be nice and spring and flowers plz. Plz plz plz. oPlz.
Server
I updated my site a little bit. It isn't much better, but it is up.
Hair
My hilights are standing up well. They don't seem to have faded much if at all yet.
Being positive
lawl
Ok, so I'm not the most positive person. I have a tendency to focus on the bad things. (as someone keeps reminding me.) But her telling me that I'm doing that is really good and important because I don't usually notice myself doing it. (and I can't correct it if I don't realize I'm doing it.)
A lot of you sent me messages and chatted with me. Thanks. You've all helped me.
Music
I can't stand silence. It makes me feel lonely. Initially, my many computer fans were comforting, but after years of hearing them, and their unchanging tone, I unconsciously filter them out. I listened to a lot of last.fm radio last week. Even listening to it as I fell asleep. It was how I prevented myself from slipping into a huge depression... it didn't make me feel good, but it took the edge off the loneliness.
Ahhh, I'll be downtown soon. I think I'll take the bus from the mall to NAIT.
...
I'm at NAIT now.
Hey, anyone from Edmonton or area reading this blog?
Friday, February 23, 2007
going insane
Date: Feb 23, 2007
Mood: Very unsatisfied, depressed, tired, lonely, missing you, hurt
*sighs* This has definately been a crappy reading week.
I hate school and work so much. And not just my own school, but the fact that school has stolen the most important person from me.
I started to plan out/write some poetry in my head lastnight at work. I'm not sure if I'll ever actually post it, but I may. It's shitty how when I have time to hang out with people, they don't have time for me. I understand that school needs to be peoples priority, but that doesn't take away the pain.
All I've really managed to acomplish this reading week was annoy someone and be depressed.
Apparently, wanting to be with people, wanting to be loved, and wanting to talk to them is too much. Fuck, I'm sick of this. I've been feeling so empty lately. I manage to feel ok for short periods of time, but I'm ALWAYS draged back down to this. *sighs* and since everyone is too busy to talk, I'm reduced to writing journal entries that will either be dissmissed as emo crap or likely not even read in the first place. I've been increasingly asking myself why I'm even bothering with the internet in the first place. It's the cause of most of my pain, yet I'm addicted to it, and it is also the source of my rare, but pleasant joy. The poems I've been thinking of all seem to have a common theme, holding you in my arms. Fuck I just want to fall asleep in your arms, to be with you, share life with you. I miss your voice, I miss the sounds you make.
Dammit, I can't even think straight anymore.
I tried to keep myself busy earlier, tried to do some coding... but I kept thinking of you.
Work has been shitty because they have been cutting shifts so I have to do the work of 3 people. They called me up, cause they need me to work tonight...
I agreed to go because I'm gonna feel like crap regardless, atleast if I'm at work I can't be a nuissance to you.
But it makes me sad because you'll either be asleep when I get home or busy. And if you aren't, you'll probably be talking to someone else instead.
Fuck, it's like I'm half writing an email and half writing a journal.
(to everyone who is confused, I don't even care anymore and it doesn't matter who 'you' is fuck I dunno even why I'm posting this, fuck fuck fuck.)
Mood: Very unsatisfied, depressed, tired, lonely, missing you, hurt
*sighs* This has definately been a crappy reading week.
I hate school and work so much. And not just my own school, but the fact that school has stolen the most important person from me.
I started to plan out/write some poetry in my head lastnight at work. I'm not sure if I'll ever actually post it, but I may. It's shitty how when I have time to hang out with people, they don't have time for me. I understand that school needs to be peoples priority, but that doesn't take away the pain.
All I've really managed to acomplish this reading week was annoy someone and be depressed.
Apparently, wanting to be with people, wanting to be loved, and wanting to talk to them is too much. Fuck, I'm sick of this. I've been feeling so empty lately. I manage to feel ok for short periods of time, but I'm ALWAYS draged back down to this. *sighs* and since everyone is too busy to talk, I'm reduced to writing journal entries that will either be dissmissed as emo crap or likely not even read in the first place. I've been increasingly asking myself why I'm even bothering with the internet in the first place. It's the cause of most of my pain, yet I'm addicted to it, and it is also the source of my rare, but pleasant joy. The poems I've been thinking of all seem to have a common theme, holding you in my arms. Fuck I just want to fall asleep in your arms, to be with you, share life with you. I miss your voice, I miss the sounds you make.
Dammit, I can't even think straight anymore.
I tried to keep myself busy earlier, tried to do some coding... but I kept thinking of you.
Work has been shitty because they have been cutting shifts so I have to do the work of 3 people. They called me up, cause they need me to work tonight...
I agreed to go because I'm gonna feel like crap regardless, atleast if I'm at work I can't be a nuissance to you.
But it makes me sad because you'll either be asleep when I get home or busy. And if you aren't, you'll probably be talking to someone else instead.
Fuck, it's like I'm half writing an email and half writing a journal.
(to everyone who is confused, I don't even care anymore and it doesn't matter who 'you' is fuck I dunno even why I'm posting this, fuck fuck fuck.)
Monday, February 19, 2007
meh, probably not worth reading
February 18th, 2007
4:19 am
Mood: unsatisfied, insomnia, tired, in need of cuddling
Insomnia hits.
I kinda feel like I'm gonna fall asleep though.
I dunno.
Weather:
dunno, haven't been outside.
The other day though, it was really slushy and icky, but the temperature was very nice.
Hair:
Yes, I finally got it done (on thursday). My hair has finally been cut. I got hilights put in also. They are a redish orange, and are supposed to fade to copper color eventually.
Network:
fixed! (this was important to me, because I needed the network up so someone could get a file. Which is all that matters.)
elk;rjerw
(it was at this point that I fell asleep)
February 19th, 2007
17:39
Mood: unsatisfied, tired, in need of cuddling, kinda lonely
Felt lonely and kind of depressed lastnight.
Actually, although I'm trying to force myself to finish this, I really don't feel like it.
I hope the rest of my week off improves.
4:19 am
Mood: unsatisfied, insomnia, tired, in need of cuddling
Insomnia hits.
I kinda feel like I'm gonna fall asleep though.
I dunno.
Weather:
dunno, haven't been outside.
The other day though, it was really slushy and icky, but the temperature was very nice.
Hair:
Yes, I finally got it done (on thursday). My hair has finally been cut. I got hilights put in also. They are a redish orange, and are supposed to fade to copper color eventually.
Network:
fixed! (this was important to me, because I needed the network up so someone could get a file. Which is all that matters.)
elk;rjerw
(it was at this point that I fell asleep)
February 19th, 2007
17:39
Mood: unsatisfied, tired, in need of cuddling, kinda lonely
Felt lonely and kind of depressed lastnight.
Actually, although I'm trying to force myself to finish this, I really don't feel like it.
I hope the rest of my week off improves.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Feburary 15th, 2007
Mood: Energetic/excited to be alive
Weather:
Not bad, actually!
It is hovering around 0c at the moment and is nice and sunny.
Scripting:
Just created possibly the workflow I'll use most on this computer (yay for lazyness!). It will autoresize images for me and this is good cause I need smaller images for uploading. Now, I just need to do a bit of camwhoring :3
Ya, so liek this automator thingy... he's liek this tinsy d00d who lives in ur computer. He's a robot but also a slave!
Be his friend plz.
Oh! also, hi Steve!!
Blogging:
Launched my new blogging style yesterday.
Hope you all like it.
School:
oops, slept in and missed my first class.
Next week is reading week. Hell yeah!
Feelings:
Well, I feel full of love and quite loved at the moment. I'm feeling creative and artistic, but I'm sure that feeling will pass :P
I also feel like traveling. I feel like visiting some friends in the USA, then traveling to Europe for a while. At the moment though, I don't have any travel planned.
V-day:
Yesterday was valentines day. I wanted to do something for someone, to show her I love her, to make her happy. Unfortunately, I suck and so I couldn't come up with anything worthy. Next time though.
K, guys. The bus is almost there. I'm gonna pack up and post this as soon as I have signal.
with much love,
-niku
Mood: Energetic/excited to be alive
Weather:
Not bad, actually!
It is hovering around 0c at the moment and is nice and sunny.
Scripting:
Just created possibly the workflow I'll use most on this computer (yay for lazyness!). It will autoresize images for me and this is good cause I need smaller images for uploading. Now, I just need to do a bit of camwhoring :3
Ya, so liek this automator thingy... he's liek this tinsy d00d who lives in ur computer. He's a robot but also a slave!
Be his friend plz.
Oh! also, hi Steve!!
Blogging:
Launched my new blogging style yesterday.
Hope you all like it.
School:
oops, slept in and missed my first class.
Next week is reading week. Hell yeah!
Feelings:
Well, I feel full of love and quite loved at the moment. I'm feeling creative and artistic, but I'm sure that feeling will pass :P
I also feel like traveling. I feel like visiting some friends in the USA, then traveling to Europe for a while. At the moment though, I don't have any travel planned.
V-day:
Yesterday was valentines day. I wanted to do something for someone, to show her I love her, to make her happy. Unfortunately, I suck and so I couldn't come up with anything worthy. Next time though.
K, guys. The bus is almost there. I'm gonna pack up and post this as soon as I have signal.
with much love,
-niku
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
the end of one era... the start of another
February, 14th, 2007.
Mood: Energetic/refreshed/excited
The end of one era...
...the beginning of another
Weather:
(omfg wait. This dude in goth/punk clothes got on the bus. And although he isn't that good looking, the black with metal look is pretty cool. But his shoes! OMFG! They are huge and omfg so sexy! *drools* They are very bulky and I dunno why they are so hot)
It's about -35 degrees Celsius with the windchill. It is pretty windy and there is a lot of blowing snow. I was thinking of going across to the mall today during my spare to get a haircut but... heh, I may just choose to stay inside.
School:
Well, after writing my midterm in electronics and being pretty confident that I failed, I was surprised to find that I actually got 60% (or is that a 66%? I can't read his writing). We were allowed to bring in a double sided sheet with whatever formulas we wanted to use. Of course, I forgot, but a good friend had taken notes on the course electronically (these notes were amazing), and we printed them out and managed to fit four highly relevant pages of notes on there. This saved my ass and I really owe him. Unfortunately, he didn't do so well on the test.
The blogosphere:
So I technically have three blogs. My vox blog, my livejournal, and my blog. However, I usually cross post to ALL the sites I'm on.
I'm considering a different format.
I'm going to try posting my blogs on the blog sites and link to them in my artsite journals. The artsite journals will probably contain more relevant info to the specific site I'm on. I'll also post the tags that I think the blog falls under so you know if you are interested or not.
You can leave comments on these blogs at any of the places where I post them.
Oh! I'm also on del.icio.us, which, if you don't know, is sort of a bookmark sharing community thing. http://del.icio.us/nikuramon. I'll link neat stuff there, check it out sometimes. You can probably also subscribe to an atom or rss feed of some of my blogs, if you need more information of how, let me know.
Social networking:
I've joined a couple new sites and updated my info on some older ones.
It's always been my opinion that the internets greatest resource is the people who use it. Not just read the information, but actually choose to add to it.
I feel connected, do you?
Hacking:
Picked up the newer issue of 2600 cause I'm dumb and forgot it came out. Sometimes I get lost in my own little world. But luckily a friend reminded me!
--niku
Mood: Energetic/refreshed/excited
The end of one era...
...the beginning of another
Weather:
(omfg wait. This dude in goth/punk clothes got on the bus. And although he isn't that good looking, the black with metal look is pretty cool. But his shoes! OMFG! They are huge and omfg so sexy! *drools* They are very bulky and I dunno why they are so hot)
It's about -35 degrees Celsius with the windchill. It is pretty windy and there is a lot of blowing snow. I was thinking of going across to the mall today during my spare to get a haircut but... heh, I may just choose to stay inside.
School:
Well, after writing my midterm in electronics and being pretty confident that I failed, I was surprised to find that I actually got 60% (or is that a 66%? I can't read his writing). We were allowed to bring in a double sided sheet with whatever formulas we wanted to use. Of course, I forgot, but a good friend had taken notes on the course electronically (these notes were amazing), and we printed them out and managed to fit four highly relevant pages of notes on there. This saved my ass and I really owe him. Unfortunately, he didn't do so well on the test.
The blogosphere:
So I technically have three blogs. My vox blog, my livejournal, and my blog. However, I usually cross post to ALL the sites I'm on.
I'm considering a different format.
I'm going to try posting my blogs on the blog sites and link to them in my artsite journals. The artsite journals will probably contain more relevant info to the specific site I'm on. I'll also post the tags that I think the blog falls under so you know if you are interested or not.
You can leave comments on these blogs at any of the places where I post them.
Oh! I'm also on del.icio.us, which, if you don't know, is sort of a bookmark sharing community thing. http://del.icio.us/nikuramon. I'll link neat stuff there, check it out sometimes. You can probably also subscribe to an atom or rss feed of some of my blogs, if you need more information of how, let me know.
Social networking:
I've joined a couple new sites and updated my info on some older ones.
It's always been my opinion that the internets greatest resource is the people who use it. Not just read the information, but actually choose to add to it.
I feel connected, do you?
Hacking:
Picked up the newer issue of 2600 cause I'm dumb and forgot it came out. Sometimes I get lost in my own little world. But luckily a friend reminded me!
--niku
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
blog
more content coming soon <3
You can find the entries from before I remembered about this blog at:
http://nikuramon.vox.com/
You can find the entries from before I remembered about this blog at:
http://nikuramon.vox.com/
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