Recently, I've been pretty much obsessed with my micro. In my last entry, I spoke of some of the hardware issues, this one I'm going to talk about some software stuff.
The sinewave had to exceed a certain frequency. Now, considering the speed of my MCU (microcontroller), this wasn't a super high frequency.
I wasn't satisfied to just meet the specified frequency. I wanted... no, I NEEDED to get the highest frequency possible.
My initial code was slow. I wrote it how the instructor suggested. I then began to optimize the code.
I needed to generate a 32 point sinewave. Each point had to be sent to the digital to analog converter. The MCU could send data to the SPI (serial peripheral interface) at a maximum rate of 614400 bits per second. This meant that it took 1.627 micro seconds per bit. I had to transfer two 8 bit bytes to the SPI for each data point. So transferring 16 bits would take 26.041 micro seconds and, since the MCU takes 813.8 nano seconds per cycle, this meant that it would take about 32 cycles. Each 8 bit transfer took 16 cycles. I pre-calculated each of the 32 datapoints. I eliminated all stacking and unstacking operations. I eliminated the use of subroutines. My code went from like 40 lines to somewhere around 900 lines. I moved the registers to memory location 0x0000 so I could use direct addressing, eliminating even more cycles. I even went through the output of the assembler, making sure that the the opcodes I wanted were being used.
I sent the first half of a data point to the SPI. Then did 8 NOPs (no operation, takes 2 cycles). This allowed the transfer to complete. I then loaded the SPSR (SPI status register) into accumulator A to clear the spif bit. Then I sent the second half, did 8 NOPs, cleared the spif bit. (the spif bit had to be cleared before I could continue). I then toggled SS (slave select (PORTD PD5 (pin 5, which was tied to the load line on the DAC))), causing the DAC to convert the digital code into an analog voltage. As soon as that was done, I sent the next point of data the same way, etc. Once all 32 points were output, I jumped back to where I sent the first datapoint and continued from there. This made a very nice sinewave, especially when I looked at the filtered output. Nice and smooth and I think it was somewhere over 690Hz. I was very satisfied because I am very confident that the only way the code could be faster would be increasing the clockspeed of the MCU. And my prof went over my code and agreed that it was as fast as it could be.
My micro course is definitely the course I am most passionate about. I am almost as passionate about windows programming although I'd rather be using c++ than using c#. I can't seem to get as passionate about web development. Being able to write facebook from scratch just doesn't quite excite me the same way my micro does. Since I'm so deep into the MCU, my prof gave me a hardcopy of the MCU reference manual (the full manual, with all details in it... it's bigger than some of my textbooks), and the MCU technical specifications manual (about half as big), and I already had the quick reference book. I've already read most of the reference and technical specification manuals and I've had them for a week. I kinda consider my micro board as a pet... or maybe my baby... and... I guess I love it. I know it inside and out.
I got the analog to digital converter working and I bought an extra ref02 voltage reference and a capacitor and resistor and ten turn 10k trimpot, just so I could calibrate it so the step size of the ADC would be 20mV (it's only an 8 bit ADC, unfortunately). I could now write a program that uses my microboard as a voltmeter. The next project part will be to interface an lm335 temperature sensor to it and I'm really excited to do this. Then I can code a thermometer program for my micro.
In windows programming, I'm writing a program that will generate barcodes and allows the user to print them. And making a more useful graphics manipulation program.
Speaking of windows programming, I have a lab exam in that tomorrow so I should probably get some sleep.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Post
As per lab specifications, the DAC hardware was installed and tested on the micro board (including all necessary filtering etc.).
All initial tests indicated that the DAC was properly installed and working within specified limits.
The subsequent part of the lab was to write code to create a sinewave out from the DAC, then to optimise the code to exceed the specified minimum frequency. Upon demonstration of the code running in ram, small modifications were to be made to allow the program to run from startup and the program was then to be bootloaded into the EEPROM and the entire system demonstrated to obtain checkoff.
The code worked fine in ram, producing a very nice sine wave out of the DAC. However, the modified code loaded into EEPROM for execution from startup failed to produce anything even remotely resembling a sinewave.
Initial suspicion was that the modifications made to the code prevented it from running, or that the minimal OS was taking care of some other aspect of the microcontroller that the DAC lab code was failing to initialize.
Code was examined line by line, each instruction checked and logic evaluated. The actual assembly produced by the assembler was also checked to ensure the proper form of instruction was being chosen.
After this failed to turn up any errors, the focus was shifted to the hardware.
Visual inspection revealed no obvious problems (any obvious flaws were caught and corrected before reaching this state). An oscilloscope was used to probe various pins relevant to the DAC subsystem. The output waveform (unfiltered) stayed low, though occasionally showed a minor pulse at regular intervals, indicating that the DAC was attempting to do something but was dying part way through the first cycle. The first significant issue detected was on SCLK (SPI clock). SCLK would show the proper clock pulses required to drive the DAC, but sometimes instead of a clear pulse, the voltage exhibited an exponential decay, even though there should have been no capacitance at that point. This explained why there was no wave out, but the cause of the SCLK glitch was still unknown at this point.
The second major breakthrough was that when SS (slave select) was probed, the clock was magically fixed until a reset pulse (at which point, the exponential decay was again seen). This raised some interesting questions since there was absolutely no logical reason why probing SS would fix SCLK. And didn't explain why SCLK was broken in the first place. Since this behavior was extremely abnormal, the chip was pulled on the suspicion that it may be blown. Logic levels were then tested on the socket while the chip was out. This revealed that there was no +5V into the chip on pin 1. The +5V rail was tested as well as the pin where the connection was made from the rail to the socket. The rail and pin tested fine, but the socket was showing no voltage to the chip. The wirewrap connection was inspected and although it appeared sound, solder was applied to ensure a solid connection. The socket now had +5V on pin 1 and the chip was re-inserted. The system was booted and the desired sinusoidal waveform appeared on the scope's display.
In summary, either the connection was good enough that when the chip was inserted, some current was able to flow through it, or the DAC8512 itself was putting approximately 2.2V out on pin 1 (Vin). When operating from ram, this problem did not manifest, but became apparent upon operation from EEPROM and this is why hardware was not initially suspected (due to the (apparent) proper operation of the DAC).
All wirewrap connections on the board are now suspect, however the board now works and since tearing it down could (although unlikely) cause damage, it is not recommended that the board be rebuilt at this point, although if furthur problems are discovered, this would likely be the best course of action.
All initial tests indicated that the DAC was properly installed and working within specified limits.
The subsequent part of the lab was to write code to create a sinewave out from the DAC, then to optimise the code to exceed the specified minimum frequency. Upon demonstration of the code running in ram, small modifications were to be made to allow the program to run from startup and the program was then to be bootloaded into the EEPROM and the entire system demonstrated to obtain checkoff.
The code worked fine in ram, producing a very nice sine wave out of the DAC. However, the modified code loaded into EEPROM for execution from startup failed to produce anything even remotely resembling a sinewave.
Initial suspicion was that the modifications made to the code prevented it from running, or that the minimal OS was taking care of some other aspect of the microcontroller that the DAC lab code was failing to initialize.
Code was examined line by line, each instruction checked and logic evaluated. The actual assembly produced by the assembler was also checked to ensure the proper form of instruction was being chosen.
After this failed to turn up any errors, the focus was shifted to the hardware.
Visual inspection revealed no obvious problems (any obvious flaws were caught and corrected before reaching this state). An oscilloscope was used to probe various pins relevant to the DAC subsystem. The output waveform (unfiltered) stayed low, though occasionally showed a minor pulse at regular intervals, indicating that the DAC was attempting to do something but was dying part way through the first cycle. The first significant issue detected was on SCLK (SPI clock). SCLK would show the proper clock pulses required to drive the DAC, but sometimes instead of a clear pulse, the voltage exhibited an exponential decay, even though there should have been no capacitance at that point. This explained why there was no wave out, but the cause of the SCLK glitch was still unknown at this point.
The second major breakthrough was that when SS (slave select) was probed, the clock was magically fixed until a reset pulse (at which point, the exponential decay was again seen). This raised some interesting questions since there was absolutely no logical reason why probing SS would fix SCLK. And didn't explain why SCLK was broken in the first place. Since this behavior was extremely abnormal, the chip was pulled on the suspicion that it may be blown. Logic levels were then tested on the socket while the chip was out. This revealed that there was no +5V into the chip on pin 1. The +5V rail was tested as well as the pin where the connection was made from the rail to the socket. The rail and pin tested fine, but the socket was showing no voltage to the chip. The wirewrap connection was inspected and although it appeared sound, solder was applied to ensure a solid connection. The socket now had +5V on pin 1 and the chip was re-inserted. The system was booted and the desired sinusoidal waveform appeared on the scope's display.
In summary, either the connection was good enough that when the chip was inserted, some current was able to flow through it, or the DAC8512 itself was putting approximately 2.2V out on pin 1 (Vin). When operating from ram, this problem did not manifest, but became apparent upon operation from EEPROM and this is why hardware was not initially suspected (due to the (apparent) proper operation of the DAC).
All wirewrap connections on the board are now suspect, however the board now works and since tearing it down could (although unlikely) cause damage, it is not recommended that the board be rebuilt at this point, although if furthur problems are discovered, this would likely be the best course of action.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
omg school again
So school has begun once again. Well, last week.
But I didn't get around to blogging until just now.
Web development class seems interesting and the prof seems pretty cool.
Windows programming with C# feels like an insult to my intelligence so far. After years of coding apps in C++, the fact that Visual Studio writes most of my code is an insult. But leaves me more time to focus on my other classes so that's good in a way. I'm always gonna be a C++ coder though, I definitely like it better.
But I'm picking up C# really easily which is nice.
I have the same prof for micro 2 and DMAC and he is really good. I feel a lot better about DMAC now than I did when I dropped it last year. The prof makes a huge difference.
Industrial programming also seems pretty good so far. The only obstacle in that course will be that the trilogy software is kinda shitty. Well... the interface is really shitty. Like, if you're naming IO lines, you can't just tab to the next field or click the next field. You HAVE to hit enter after every entry. And then when adding relays, (switches and stuff) to make certain things (like two in parallel followed by one in series) the order you add things makes a huge difference and often you have to re enter entire circuits because the software sucks. ...you'd have to use it to understand. Anyway, by the end of the course we'll be programming a PLD to control a chemical plant.
The best class is micro 2. Since there are only 2 students other than me. One of them rarely shows up and the other sometimes doesn't, so sometimes it's just me and the prof. And he's teaching it more like a seminar. I'm really enjoying it and it's giving me a much better understanding of the base hardware design (micro 2 is short for micro computer design 2), and coding directly for the hardware. It makes me feel really smart. Yesterday I mounted the stuff for the DAC and I still have to finish wirewrapping it but I've already begun writing the code to use the DAC with the HC11's SPI.
Other than that, I'm fighting off a cold (runny nose, stuffed up sinuses, headaches, cough, etc). But I feel pretty healthy otherwise. Work is taking up my weekends.
But I'm doing ok so far.
But I didn't get around to blogging until just now.
Web development class seems interesting and the prof seems pretty cool.
Windows programming with C# feels like an insult to my intelligence so far. After years of coding apps in C++, the fact that Visual Studio writes most of my code is an insult. But leaves me more time to focus on my other classes so that's good in a way. I'm always gonna be a C++ coder though, I definitely like it better.
But I'm picking up C# really easily which is nice.
I have the same prof for micro 2 and DMAC and he is really good. I feel a lot better about DMAC now than I did when I dropped it last year. The prof makes a huge difference.
Industrial programming also seems pretty good so far. The only obstacle in that course will be that the trilogy software is kinda shitty. Well... the interface is really shitty. Like, if you're naming IO lines, you can't just tab to the next field or click the next field. You HAVE to hit enter after every entry. And then when adding relays, (switches and stuff) to make certain things (like two in parallel followed by one in series) the order you add things makes a huge difference and often you have to re enter entire circuits because the software sucks. ...you'd have to use it to understand. Anyway, by the end of the course we'll be programming a PLD to control a chemical plant.
The best class is micro 2. Since there are only 2 students other than me. One of them rarely shows up and the other sometimes doesn't, so sometimes it's just me and the prof. And he's teaching it more like a seminar. I'm really enjoying it and it's giving me a much better understanding of the base hardware design (micro 2 is short for micro computer design 2), and coding directly for the hardware. It makes me feel really smart. Yesterday I mounted the stuff for the DAC and I still have to finish wirewrapping it but I've already begun writing the code to use the DAC with the HC11's SPI.
Other than that, I'm fighting off a cold (runny nose, stuffed up sinuses, headaches, cough, etc). But I feel pretty healthy otherwise. Work is taking up my weekends.
But I'm doing ok so far.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
panick mode
I'm pretty bad at planning.
And time management.
I had no idea classes start this upcoming monday.
So now I am in panick mode. (I know that isn't how to spell panic but I like to spell it like that so JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT)
Now I have to get off the work schedule for next week which is gonna piss a lot of people off but I don't have any other options at the moment.
Once again, I am in debt because of tuition. However, I should be able to pay off my credit card within a few months. And then I'll be out of debt but broke.
I know I can succeed if I focus really hard this year. So I may not be all over the internet like I used to be. ...although, so far, this summer, I haven't been around that much anyway. Working nights has been rough but it has it's benefits.
I remember when the internet used to be my life. I'd be on all kinds of art sites and many different irc servers and many channels on each. And I've drifted away from most of that. I still visit some, but as of next week, I'll probably be on a lot less. I don't even intend on using my cell in class anymore. I am sick of school and I want out and I will do whatever it takes to succeed.
Somehow, with work and classes and course work, I am still going to have to make time for hanging out with friends. I can't let myself slip into a lonely depression.
I began cleaning my room a few days ago. It makes me want to kill myself it's so bad. The more I clean, the more mess I find to clean.
I have made a lot of progress though. There is now a tv stand / entertainment center thing in here where the unused aquarium stuff used to be. I put my networking gear on top of it and it doesn't look bad. I also added an extra speaker system, with a powered sub and it makes a huge difference. It's not perfect but it's better than before.
I'm probably going to keep the old cart like thing to use for my electronics stuff, cause I don't have room on my desk.
I'm gonna have to end this entry here since I have stuff I need to get done and then I gotta go to sleep because I have to make sure I'm not late for work tonight/this morning.
And time management.
I had no idea classes start this upcoming monday.
So now I am in panick mode. (I know that isn't how to spell panic but I like to spell it like that so JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT)
Now I have to get off the work schedule for next week which is gonna piss a lot of people off but I don't have any other options at the moment.
Once again, I am in debt because of tuition. However, I should be able to pay off my credit card within a few months. And then I'll be out of debt but broke.
I know I can succeed if I focus really hard this year. So I may not be all over the internet like I used to be. ...although, so far, this summer, I haven't been around that much anyway. Working nights has been rough but it has it's benefits.
I remember when the internet used to be my life. I'd be on all kinds of art sites and many different irc servers and many channels on each. And I've drifted away from most of that. I still visit some, but as of next week, I'll probably be on a lot less. I don't even intend on using my cell in class anymore. I am sick of school and I want out and I will do whatever it takes to succeed.
Somehow, with work and classes and course work, I am still going to have to make time for hanging out with friends. I can't let myself slip into a lonely depression.
I began cleaning my room a few days ago. It makes me want to kill myself it's so bad. The more I clean, the more mess I find to clean.
I have made a lot of progress though. There is now a tv stand / entertainment center thing in here where the unused aquarium stuff used to be. I put my networking gear on top of it and it doesn't look bad. I also added an extra speaker system, with a powered sub and it makes a huge difference. It's not perfect but it's better than before.
I'm probably going to keep the old cart like thing to use for my electronics stuff, cause I don't have room on my desk.
I'm gonna have to end this entry here since I have stuff I need to get done and then I gotta go to sleep because I have to make sure I'm not late for work tonight/this morning.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
A rant about work
I figured it was tl;dr so if you wanna read it, you can look here: http://nikuramon.livejournal.com/42454.html
Friday, July 18, 2008
stuff
:(
I get to do all the price changes first thing tomorrow morning. Saturdays always have the most price changes.
They keep giving me more responsibilities, even as they reduce the number of hours and staff. Head office is mostly (completely) to blame for that (the banning overtime and reduction of staff).
The more responsibilities makes me feel way more important, however, it makes the job so much more stressful.
This morning, I was so pissed off. I felt something on my hair and thought maybe it was some condensation or something from the ceiling. But I fluffed my hair anyway, to be sure it wasn't debris and it turns out a spider parachuted down onto my head. As it attempted to escape I killed it, since it was v. rude to drop in unannounced like that. And later, I saw another spider. Whether it's due to the stimulants or some other factor, the only way I can explain the way it made me feel is 'squiggly'. I guess 'crawling in my skin' might work too.
I also did an experiment!
Since stimulants were making me have to urinate lots and getting me dehydrated, I decided to eat some salt cause afaik, it leads to water retention. And preliminary results are that it seems to work, at least to some extent. Though, this also probably makes my blood pressure even worse than it already is. I'm not a dr. so I am no expert on the manner. But it did make /logical/ sense!
I should sleep, I gotta try to get there before 3am tomorrow. It's going to be a very busy shift.
Oh yes! I almost forgot.
Something to think about:
When the law itself is flawed/wrong, is it wrong to disobey/fight it?
Who is the criminal, those who break a law that shouldn't even exist or those who made the law or attempt to enforce it?
I get to do all the price changes first thing tomorrow morning. Saturdays always have the most price changes.
They keep giving me more responsibilities, even as they reduce the number of hours and staff. Head office is mostly (completely) to blame for that (the banning overtime and reduction of staff).
The more responsibilities makes me feel way more important, however, it makes the job so much more stressful.
This morning, I was so pissed off. I felt something on my hair and thought maybe it was some condensation or something from the ceiling. But I fluffed my hair anyway, to be sure it wasn't debris and it turns out a spider parachuted down onto my head. As it attempted to escape I killed it, since it was v. rude to drop in unannounced like that. And later, I saw another spider. Whether it's due to the stimulants or some other factor, the only way I can explain the way it made me feel is 'squiggly'. I guess 'crawling in my skin' might work too.
I also did an experiment!
Since stimulants were making me have to urinate lots and getting me dehydrated, I decided to eat some salt cause afaik, it leads to water retention. And preliminary results are that it seems to work, at least to some extent. Though, this also probably makes my blood pressure even worse than it already is. I'm not a dr. so I am no expert on the manner. But it did make /logical/ sense!
I should sleep, I gotta try to get there before 3am tomorrow. It's going to be a very busy shift.
Oh yes! I almost forgot.
Something to think about:
When the law itself is flawed/wrong, is it wrong to disobey/fight it?
Who is the criminal, those who break a law that shouldn't even exist or those who made the law or attempt to enforce it?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Tuesday: A dinosaur adventure!!
So, todays blog is about tuesday. (the 15 of july, 2008)
Finally my schedule worked out in my favor.
I finally got to see a really awesome friend who I hadn't seen for a long time. (well, two friends, actually, though I didn't get to spend much time with one of them).
Chris stopped by to drop off my new (old) switch. It's way huger than I expected. With dual redundant power supplies and 24 switching ports connected via the backplane to the supervisor board with an additional 2 fast ethernet ports and 2 mii connectors. (as well as the console port). Oh! and now I have 9 of the Cisco routers. And one partially completed power supply for them. I'm going to need to make a bunch of cables because I don't have any of the proper ones for these devices. I have the pin outs so the tough part will be finding the connectors.
Once Chris left, me and my other friend went out to get coffee and talk. It was really awesome seeing her again, and even just talking made life seem so much better.
Then we drove around and chilled and then we had an adventure!
There are some really nice trails near my house. We went exploring on one of them. Plants and trees had overgrown the path and suddenly, we were in the amazon! We found this prehistoric lake that seemed like it would be nice to swim in but then there were dinosaurs!! And we were yelling at them "you are a dinosaur!!!!!" and trying to communicate with them by making duck sounds!
My friend made a tail out of a bunch of these long grass things that were growing out of the water. It looked really cute on her and looked like a dinosaur tail (well, I thought it did anyway).
We even had to cross some parts of the path that had turned into swamp! But at least it wasn't lava!!! The path was a lot longer than I remembered it. It seemed to stretch on forever and all the trees and plants were so huge! But that was a good thing because the wonderful moment seemed to last longer.
Sadly, she had to return home, however, it was definitely one of the best afternoons I have had!
There is so much more I wish I could put into words, but I just can't seem to describe how incredibly awesome it was.
In other news, I have my NIN concert ticket, so I'm very excited for that.
Finally my schedule worked out in my favor.
I finally got to see a really awesome friend who I hadn't seen for a long time. (well, two friends, actually, though I didn't get to spend much time with one of them).
Chris stopped by to drop off my new (old) switch. It's way huger than I expected. With dual redundant power supplies and 24 switching ports connected via the backplane to the supervisor board with an additional 2 fast ethernet ports and 2 mii connectors. (as well as the console port). Oh! and now I have 9 of the Cisco routers. And one partially completed power supply for them. I'm going to need to make a bunch of cables because I don't have any of the proper ones for these devices. I have the pin outs so the tough part will be finding the connectors.
Once Chris left, me and my other friend went out to get coffee and talk. It was really awesome seeing her again, and even just talking made life seem so much better.
Then we drove around and chilled and then we had an adventure!
There are some really nice trails near my house. We went exploring on one of them. Plants and trees had overgrown the path and suddenly, we were in the amazon! We found this prehistoric lake that seemed like it would be nice to swim in but then there were dinosaurs!! And we were yelling at them "you are a dinosaur!!!!!" and trying to communicate with them by making duck sounds!
My friend made a tail out of a bunch of these long grass things that were growing out of the water. It looked really cute on her and looked like a dinosaur tail (well, I thought it did anyway).
We even had to cross some parts of the path that had turned into swamp! But at least it wasn't lava!!! The path was a lot longer than I remembered it. It seemed to stretch on forever and all the trees and plants were so huge! But that was a good thing because the wonderful moment seemed to last longer.
Sadly, she had to return home, however, it was definitely one of the best afternoons I have had!
There is so much more I wish I could put into words, but I just can't seem to describe how incredibly awesome it was.
In other news, I have my NIN concert ticket, so I'm very excited for that.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Related to previous entry, kinda
This is kinda related to my last entry. Was listening to this song at work a yesterday. It was hard not to cry. :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9UI-m-Qd8s
"My father came from Japan in 1905
He was 15 when he immigrated from Japan
He worked until he was able to buy respect and build a store
Let me tell you the story in the form of a dream,
I don't know why I have to tell it but I know what it means,
Close your eyes, just picture the scene,
As I paint it for you, it was World War II,
When this man named Kenji woke up,
Ken was not a soldier,
He was just a man with a family who owned a store in LA,
That day, he crawled out of bed like he always did,
Bacon and eggs with wife and kids,
He lived on the second floor of a little store he ran,
He moved to LA from Japan,
They called him 'Immigrant,'
In Japanese, he'd say he was called "Issei,"
That meant 'First Generation In The United States,'
When everybody was afraid of the Germans, afraid of the Japs,
But most of all afraid of a homeland attack,
And that morning when Ken went out on the doormat,
His world went black 'cause,
Right there; front page news,
Three weeks before 1942,
"Pearl Harbour's Been Bombed And The Japs Are Comin',"
Pictures of soldiers dyin' and runnin',
Ken knew what it would lead to,
Just like he guessed, the President said,
"The evil Japanese in our home country will be locked away,"
They gave Ken, a couple of days,
To get his whole life packed in two bags,
Just two bags, couldn't even pack his clothes,
Some folks didn't even have a suitcase, to pack anything in,
So two trash bags is all they gave them,
When the kids asked mom "Where are we goin'?"
Nobody even knew what to say to them,
Ken didn't wanna lie, he said "The US is lookin' for spies,
So we have to live in a place called Manzanar,
Where a lot of Japanese people are,"
Stop it don't look at the gunmen,
You don't wanna get the soldiers wonderin',
If you gonna run or not,
'Cause if you run then you might get shot,
Other than that try not to think about it,
Try not to worry 'bout it; bein' so crowded,
Someday we'll get out, someday, someday.
As soon as war broke out
The F.B.I. came and they just come to the house and
"You have to come"
"All the Japanese have to go"
They took Mr. Ni
People didn't understand
Why did they have to take him?
Because he's an innocent laborer
So now they're in a town with soldiers surroundin' them,
Every day, every night look down at them,
From watch towers up on the wall,
Ken couldn't really hate them at all;
They were just doin' their job and,
He wasn't gonna make any problems,
He had a little garden with vegetables and fruits that,
He gave to the troops in a basket his wife made,
But in the back of his mind, he wanted his families life saved,
Prisoners of war in their own damn country,
What for?
Time passed in the prison town,
He wanted them to live it down when they were free,
The only way out was joinin' the army,
And supposedly, some men went out for the army, signed on,
And ended up flyin' to Japan with a bomb,
That 15 kilotonne blast, put an end to the war pretty fast,
Two cities were blown to bits; the end of the war came quick,
Ken got out, big hopes of a normal life, with his kids and his wife,
But, when they got back to their home,
What they saw made them feel so alone,
These people had trashed every room,
Smashed in the windows and bashed in the doors,
Written on the walls and the floor,
"Japs not welcome anymore."
And Kenji dropped both of his bags at his sides and just stood outside,
He, looked at his wife without words to say,
She looked back at him wiping tears away,
And, said "Someday we'll be OK, someday,"
Now the names have been changed, but the story's true,
My family was locked up back in '42,
My family was there it was dark and damp,
And they called it an internment camp
When we first got back from camp... uh
It was... pretty... pretty bad
I, I remember my husband said
"Are we gonna stay 'til last?"
Then my husband died before they close the camp."
lyrics taken from a site, song is by fort minor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9UI-m-Qd8s
"My father came from Japan in 1905
He was 15 when he immigrated from Japan
He worked until he was able to buy respect and build a store
Let me tell you the story in the form of a dream,
I don't know why I have to tell it but I know what it means,
Close your eyes, just picture the scene,
As I paint it for you, it was World War II,
When this man named Kenji woke up,
Ken was not a soldier,
He was just a man with a family who owned a store in LA,
That day, he crawled out of bed like he always did,
Bacon and eggs with wife and kids,
He lived on the second floor of a little store he ran,
He moved to LA from Japan,
They called him 'Immigrant,'
In Japanese, he'd say he was called "Issei,"
That meant 'First Generation In The United States,'
When everybody was afraid of the Germans, afraid of the Japs,
But most of all afraid of a homeland attack,
And that morning when Ken went out on the doormat,
His world went black 'cause,
Right there; front page news,
Three weeks before 1942,
"Pearl Harbour's Been Bombed And The Japs Are Comin',"
Pictures of soldiers dyin' and runnin',
Ken knew what it would lead to,
Just like he guessed, the President said,
"The evil Japanese in our home country will be locked away,"
They gave Ken, a couple of days,
To get his whole life packed in two bags,
Just two bags, couldn't even pack his clothes,
Some folks didn't even have a suitcase, to pack anything in,
So two trash bags is all they gave them,
When the kids asked mom "Where are we goin'?"
Nobody even knew what to say to them,
Ken didn't wanna lie, he said "The US is lookin' for spies,
So we have to live in a place called Manzanar,
Where a lot of Japanese people are,"
Stop it don't look at the gunmen,
You don't wanna get the soldiers wonderin',
If you gonna run or not,
'Cause if you run then you might get shot,
Other than that try not to think about it,
Try not to worry 'bout it; bein' so crowded,
Someday we'll get out, someday, someday.
As soon as war broke out
The F.B.I. came and they just come to the house and
"You have to come"
"All the Japanese have to go"
They took Mr. Ni
People didn't understand
Why did they have to take him?
Because he's an innocent laborer
So now they're in a town with soldiers surroundin' them,
Every day, every night look down at them,
From watch towers up on the wall,
Ken couldn't really hate them at all;
They were just doin' their job and,
He wasn't gonna make any problems,
He had a little garden with vegetables and fruits that,
He gave to the troops in a basket his wife made,
But in the back of his mind, he wanted his families life saved,
Prisoners of war in their own damn country,
What for?
Time passed in the prison town,
He wanted them to live it down when they were free,
The only way out was joinin' the army,
And supposedly, some men went out for the army, signed on,
And ended up flyin' to Japan with a bomb,
That 15 kilotonne blast, put an end to the war pretty fast,
Two cities were blown to bits; the end of the war came quick,
Ken got out, big hopes of a normal life, with his kids and his wife,
But, when they got back to their home,
What they saw made them feel so alone,
These people had trashed every room,
Smashed in the windows and bashed in the doors,
Written on the walls and the floor,
"Japs not welcome anymore."
And Kenji dropped both of his bags at his sides and just stood outside,
He, looked at his wife without words to say,
She looked back at him wiping tears away,
And, said "Someday we'll be OK, someday,"
Now the names have been changed, but the story's true,
My family was locked up back in '42,
My family was there it was dark and damp,
And they called it an internment camp
When we first got back from camp... uh
It was... pretty... pretty bad
I, I remember my husband said
"Are we gonna stay 'til last?"
Then my husband died before they close the camp."
lyrics taken from a site, song is by fort minor
we need a revolution
I still haven't fully switched over to completely free computing yet. I know I should but part of me loves the convenience I have with certain proprietary systems. I know this is wrong. I know I need to fight harder to support freedom.
Constantly, in todays world, governments and organizations are trying to restrict our freedoms more and more.
Apathy will be our downfall.
Not enough people seem to care. Not enough people take the time to educate themselves to what is going on all around them. How many people even know about ACTA? We let our freedoms be taken away one by one, little by little.
Unfortunately, once they are gone, it's significantly more difficult to get them back.
The more I see, the more I am convinced that we have to do SOMETHING. We have to fight to protect our rights, our freedoms.
We have to rise up and unite in our cause. The enemy has incredible resources. They have armies/police/security guards. They have vicious attack lawyers. They have seemingly unlimited funds.
We can't let that stop us.
There are those who would argue that freedom of speech is wrong because it would be abused. If you don't like what you hear, don't listen to it. Just because you fear what someone might say, that is no reason to tell people they can't say it.
Censorship is wrong.
If I pay for a CD, I WILL NOT let some industry assholes tell me that I am wrong to transfer it to my computer and to my music player. If I am going to pay money for something and I will not be allowed to own it, to actually use and enjoy it, why will I waste my money? Where is the logic there?
I'm not going to buy a cd to keep in my car and a cd to keep at home.
And I am not going to keep quiet.
The corporations think they are 'right'. They claim to have the moral high ground. They don't. All they are is bullies, trying to control consumers through threats and fear.
It seems like these days, everyone is a criminal. I heard about "[a] method of providing air travel security for passengers traveling via an aircraft comprises situating a remotely activatable electric shock device on each of the passengers in position to deliver a disabling electrical shock when activated." You know they won't stop there. They'll use that as a test, phase the device in. And then require it for more and more things. Until the entire populace is under control. Wearing something like that completely demeaning. It also says "hi I am a criminal and will be treated as such."
Governments would argue that the threat of terror is enough to warrant such a device. They have done it before (see the PATRIOT act for just one of many examples of this) and they will do it again. If we let them.
http://www.aclu.org/safefree/spying/fisa.html
How can we just stand by and let this happen?
Does the constitution mean nothing anymore?
Something HAS to be done.
I have no idea what CAN be done at this point.
Constantly, in todays world, governments and organizations are trying to restrict our freedoms more and more.
Apathy will be our downfall.
Not enough people seem to care. Not enough people take the time to educate themselves to what is going on all around them. How many people even know about ACTA? We let our freedoms be taken away one by one, little by little.
Unfortunately, once they are gone, it's significantly more difficult to get them back.
The more I see, the more I am convinced that we have to do SOMETHING. We have to fight to protect our rights, our freedoms.
We have to rise up and unite in our cause. The enemy has incredible resources. They have armies/police/security guards. They have vicious attack lawyers. They have seemingly unlimited funds.
We can't let that stop us.
There are those who would argue that freedom of speech is wrong because it would be abused. If you don't like what you hear, don't listen to it. Just because you fear what someone might say, that is no reason to tell people they can't say it.
Censorship is wrong.
If I pay for a CD, I WILL NOT let some industry assholes tell me that I am wrong to transfer it to my computer and to my music player. If I am going to pay money for something and I will not be allowed to own it, to actually use and enjoy it, why will I waste my money? Where is the logic there?
I'm not going to buy a cd to keep in my car and a cd to keep at home.
And I am not going to keep quiet.
The corporations think they are 'right'. They claim to have the moral high ground. They don't. All they are is bullies, trying to control consumers through threats and fear.
It seems like these days, everyone is a criminal. I heard about "[a] method of providing air travel security for passengers traveling via an aircraft comprises situating a remotely activatable electric shock device on each of the passengers in position to deliver a disabling electrical shock when activated." You know they won't stop there. They'll use that as a test, phase the device in. And then require it for more and more things. Until the entire populace is under control. Wearing something like that completely demeaning. It also says "hi I am a criminal and will be treated as such."
Governments would argue that the threat of terror is enough to warrant such a device. They have done it before (see the PATRIOT act for just one of many examples of this) and they will do it again. If we let them.
http://www.aclu.org/safefree/spying/fisa.html
How can we just stand by and let this happen?
Does the constitution mean nothing anymore?
Something HAS to be done.
I have no idea what CAN be done at this point.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
way more whiny and emo than I intended
I was gonna write a nice long entry about lots of stuff.
But I'm exhausted and crashing. Hard.
[note: this turned out really shitty and emo and I didn't intend it that way. Sorry]
I'm sick of wasting my days off.
I'm sick of fucking scheduling conflicts.
I'm so incredibly sick of never seeing my friends anymore.
It feels like I'm invisible. Like if I didn't send someone a message, they would probably not even think of me and not send me a message. And sometimes, even when I do send a message, I don't get a reply.
Am I invisible? Am I silent?
Do I even exist anymore?
I guess everyone is too busy or something. And I feel like I am always left behind or forgotten.
The other night, I woke up so dizzy I could barely stand up. I wasn't on anything at all so I have no idea why. My ear kinda hurt but then it felt better. I ended up seeing things for that entire morning. And I knew I saw something but when I blinked, whatever it was always disappeared. I don't think it was lack of sleep because I've been sleeping a lot but maybe it was because I forgot to eat that day. And I was probably dehydrated too.
I'm having trouble hanging on to consciousness right now, so I'm probably going to disappear or pass out for a while. Also, this would be unreadable without spellcheck.
But I'm exhausted and crashing. Hard.
[note: this turned out really shitty and emo and I didn't intend it that way. Sorry]
I'm sick of wasting my days off.
I'm sick of fucking scheduling conflicts.
I'm so incredibly sick of never seeing my friends anymore.
It feels like I'm invisible. Like if I didn't send someone a message, they would probably not even think of me and not send me a message. And sometimes, even when I do send a message, I don't get a reply.
Am I invisible? Am I silent?
Do I even exist anymore?
I guess everyone is too busy or something. And I feel like I am always left behind or forgotten.
The other night, I woke up so dizzy I could barely stand up. I wasn't on anything at all so I have no idea why. My ear kinda hurt but then it felt better. I ended up seeing things for that entire morning. And I knew I saw something but when I blinked, whatever it was always disappeared. I don't think it was lack of sleep because I've been sleeping a lot but maybe it was because I forgot to eat that day. And I was probably dehydrated too.
I'm having trouble hanging on to consciousness right now, so I'm probably going to disappear or pass out for a while. Also, this would be unreadable without spellcheck.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
ok, so
I haven't posted to these blogs in a long time (again) but that was mainly because I was too lazy to post on multiple sites. But I've set up some cross posting so hopefully I'll be keeping all my blogs synchronized... unless I can think of some reason to post different things to each separate blog.
...why do I even have like 3 blogs anyway?? :/
As before, if you want to read my entries that I haven't posted here, go check http://nikuramon.livejournal.com/
...why do I even have like 3 blogs anyway?? :/
As before, if you want to read my entries that I haven't posted here, go check http://nikuramon.livejournal.com/
Sunday, June 03, 2007
tl;dr
Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been around much. Or that I've been around but not 'here'. I dunno if this will make any sense whatsoever but I'll try.
(Please note that this will likely be tl;dr and not very interesting in the slightest but I feel I have to write it down.)
Also, I had completely lost the will to blog so I'm not sure why I had the urge to write this, but I guess from the depths of depression comes my best inspiration.
Initially it was because I met a truly wonderful person. And the internet just wasn't interesting when I was around her. As much as I love her, there is no future for us. Because she has chosen someone else.
It's never me apparently. I'm a "wonderful person who deserves better". I hear that way too much. I don't want better. I want you. Not anyone else. And since everyone is unique, I'll never find anyone else exactly like her. No one with the same traits, personality, flaws, and awesomeness.
Now, I knew it was coming. I knew this would happen when I got into the relationship in the first place. But I tried to follow a friends advice and live for today. Not worry about the future. To be quite honest, I have no regrets.
I guess it's getting to the point where I wonder why I even bother. Why try to love? Why expose myself to more pain? Throughout elementary school and highschool, I was in a shell. I was curled up inside my mind. At recess and lunch, I'd just read instead of playing with others. And then I'd hate them for excluding me. Even though I was the one excluding myself by not trying to be included. At nights, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I didn't know how miserable I was making myself by lying to myself and telling myself I needed no one. So I'd read till I passed out from exhaustion. I used to read so much. Then I switched to pills to knock myself out.
University changed me, however. In many ways. The first is that it broke me out of my shell. I did a complete 180. Suddenly, instead of loathing all other people, I was longing to be with them. Also, it was like a barrier was removed and suddenly, I had emotions. I never had them before. I was just numb. And once I had them, I wished I could make them go away. The second way it changed me was by failing, it destroyed the remnants of my self confidence. At this point, I felt lonely and needed to be with people. But due to poor social skills, I'd just sit at home drinking and feeling sorry for myself.
I also had this tendency to get attached to people and then get absolutely crushed by them. It's happened so many times you'd think I'd learn, but I don't. I've been lied to so many times and had my head screwed around with by so many people that I am paranoid and freak out pretty easily. I also have a codependency issue (that people keep making worse, IMHO) ( n.b. see, I always try to blame others for my own problems.)
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, not even in my family. I've felt it for a while now. And I think subconsciously, I am pushing my parents to the point of kicking me out so I have an excuse to leave and yet I can still whine about how it is their fault.
When I got home from work yesterday, I was feeling pretty pathetic. And suddenly, I was numb. I became objective, which happens with me from time to time. And my brain started digging up things I had buried for a quite some time. I lay there thinking for about 2 hours before talking to anyone at all. Some things, I pushed to the back of my mind, like how my actions affect others. But I couldn't stop the cascade of thought. Of course, being the way I am, once I realized how my actions were affecting others, I tried to bury it again, before my consciousness realized how horrible a person I've been. But then I had an epiphany about some things which lead to an epiphany about other things. And I realized that I've been withdrawing into my shell again. If it continues, I'll probably seem cold and heartless like I used to be, years ago. That is, if I'm even still on the net.
A while ago, I decided to stop taking my antidepressants. They never fix the problem. Just like when I used to be alcoholic. When I used to drink and take pills and pass out or cry myself to sleep. All my problems would still be there, louder and more painfully bright than ever. I have this tendency to run from my problems.
Of course this never solves anything, but I do it anyway. And I see myself ending up alone, isolated by my own actions, either on the street or in a psych ward. Well, that is one of a few possibilities. But being alone, being away is the likely one.
So what I'm basically saying is that I'm putting myself through my own personal hell, and there is nothing anyone can do to help me. If I emerge from these cleansing fires, then maybe I'll be a better person. If not, I'll die. I guess it's a win win situation.
I realize now why I felt so compelled to write this and post it. Because otherwise, I'd just end up burying it again.
(Please note that this will likely be tl;dr and not very interesting in the slightest but I feel I have to write it down.)
Also, I had completely lost the will to blog so I'm not sure why I had the urge to write this, but I guess from the depths of depression comes my best inspiration.
Initially it was because I met a truly wonderful person. And the internet just wasn't interesting when I was around her. As much as I love her, there is no future for us. Because she has chosen someone else.
It's never me apparently. I'm a "wonderful person who deserves better". I hear that way too much. I don't want better. I want you. Not anyone else. And since everyone is unique, I'll never find anyone else exactly like her. No one with the same traits, personality, flaws, and awesomeness.
Now, I knew it was coming. I knew this would happen when I got into the relationship in the first place. But I tried to follow a friends advice and live for today. Not worry about the future. To be quite honest, I have no regrets.
I guess it's getting to the point where I wonder why I even bother. Why try to love? Why expose myself to more pain? Throughout elementary school and highschool, I was in a shell. I was curled up inside my mind. At recess and lunch, I'd just read instead of playing with others. And then I'd hate them for excluding me. Even though I was the one excluding myself by not trying to be included. At nights, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I didn't know how miserable I was making myself by lying to myself and telling myself I needed no one. So I'd read till I passed out from exhaustion. I used to read so much. Then I switched to pills to knock myself out.
University changed me, however. In many ways. The first is that it broke me out of my shell. I did a complete 180. Suddenly, instead of loathing all other people, I was longing to be with them. Also, it was like a barrier was removed and suddenly, I had emotions. I never had them before. I was just numb. And once I had them, I wished I could make them go away. The second way it changed me was by failing, it destroyed the remnants of my self confidence. At this point, I felt lonely and needed to be with people. But due to poor social skills, I'd just sit at home drinking and feeling sorry for myself.
I also had this tendency to get attached to people and then get absolutely crushed by them. It's happened so many times you'd think I'd learn, but I don't. I've been lied to so many times and had my head screwed around with by so many people that I am paranoid and freak out pretty easily. I also have a codependency issue (that people keep making worse, IMHO) ( n.b. see, I always try to blame others for my own problems.)
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, not even in my family. I've felt it for a while now. And I think subconsciously, I am pushing my parents to the point of kicking me out so I have an excuse to leave and yet I can still whine about how it is their fault.
When I got home from work yesterday, I was feeling pretty pathetic. And suddenly, I was numb. I became objective, which happens with me from time to time. And my brain started digging up things I had buried for a quite some time. I lay there thinking for about 2 hours before talking to anyone at all. Some things, I pushed to the back of my mind, like how my actions affect others. But I couldn't stop the cascade of thought. Of course, being the way I am, once I realized how my actions were affecting others, I tried to bury it again, before my consciousness realized how horrible a person I've been. But then I had an epiphany about some things which lead to an epiphany about other things. And I realized that I've been withdrawing into my shell again. If it continues, I'll probably seem cold and heartless like I used to be, years ago. That is, if I'm even still on the net.
A while ago, I decided to stop taking my antidepressants. They never fix the problem. Just like when I used to be alcoholic. When I used to drink and take pills and pass out or cry myself to sleep. All my problems would still be there, louder and more painfully bright than ever. I have this tendency to run from my problems.
Of course this never solves anything, but I do it anyway. And I see myself ending up alone, isolated by my own actions, either on the street or in a psych ward. Well, that is one of a few possibilities. But being alone, being away is the likely one.
So what I'm basically saying is that I'm putting myself through my own personal hell, and there is nothing anyone can do to help me. If I emerge from these cleansing fires, then maybe I'll be a better person. If not, I'll die. I guess it's a win win situation.
I realize now why I felt so compelled to write this and post it. Because otherwise, I'd just end up burying it again.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I met a bunny
So much has happened since my last entry.
I wasn't going to write this today, but a friend asked me to so I decided I'd give it a try.
First though, as followup to my last journal, it wasn't IRC or gmail that was increasing my phone bill. It's actually just that annoying access fee thing for 911 and stuff.
School went... well... basically how I expected it to. I failed two of my classes, one of which was calculus. (Technically I failed another class but I got credit in it once I showed my university transcript). Programming... well, I sort of didn't do the assignments. I aced the exams, but because I hadn't done the assignments, I didn't pass.
I met with my academic advisor and we went over my possibilities. And I'll be taking a reduced course load over the next few semesters.
During exam week, I met someone amazing. She cooks really good steak. My parents got so pissed off that I stayed over at her house. I hate how they restrict my freedom. They won't let me stay over with her... it sucks cause I was only going to cuddle her as we slept. I found out how much I love holding someone in my arms while I sleep. Cuddling is very awesome.
She is also the only person, as far as I know, that I can be with and not need to be on the internet while I'm with her. The first few times I went to her place I brought my laptop but I didn't bother opening it so I don't bring it these days. Also, I've been told I'm very talented at lovemaking (yay! atleast I'm naturally good at something. XD ). (Apparently, my fingers are incredibly skilled too! :O I'm very proud)
Now that I found out about school stuff, I'll be taking extra hours at work, so I may have a weird schedule at times.
Had a wisdom tooth pulled last monday. My last one gets pulled this upcoming monday. Hung out with my friend Kuna for most of the week. One day we went to the West Edmonton Mall. They are filming a movie there which is kind of neat. It's the biggest mall in the world and it is really awesome. Of course, neither of us did any shopping (and until I get more hours at work, I can't afford much shopping) but we looked at all kinds of stores and had a great time.
On friday, we walked around the city (I also took her to a restaurant called death by chocolate... it was soooooo good) and then went to some hiking trails in a forest. It was very pretty and I really enjoyed exploring. We had lots of fun. And I took tons of pics.
This is really what I've needed. To get my ass off the internet and interact with real people. Well... not just any people... just her. And I can hardly wait till I get to see her next. She's shown me parts of the city I never even knew existed. She is so incredibly wonderful. I'm really glad I met her.
err... I know there is TONS of stuff I forgot to mention. But maybe later, when I remember, I'll add it.
I have either got allergies or a cold. Either way, I am stuffed up. But hopefully I'll be less stuffed up soon.
Also, my server makes me happy. I did a tiny bit more code on it (really simplistic) but I'm happy about the uptime.
$ uptime
10:54PM up 414 days, 7:19, 5 users, load averages: 0.00, 0.00, 0.00
Now for a teensy bit of feelings:
.longing.
As I lay here in bed, alone
I miss her.
I miss her warmth,
her scent.
I miss her warm lips
pressed against mine.
I miss the way her black hair
brushes across my face.
I miss gazing into her deep brown eyes,
losing myself in their beautiful depths.
I miss the way she burrows into me,
snuggling up close,
laying her head on my chest.
I miss how it feels to hold her close,
to caress her soft, delicate skin.
I miss her warm breath,
as it caresses my neck.
I miss holding her while she sleeps.
I wasn't going to write this today, but a friend asked me to so I decided I'd give it a try.
First though, as followup to my last journal, it wasn't IRC or gmail that was increasing my phone bill. It's actually just that annoying access fee thing for 911 and stuff.
School went... well... basically how I expected it to. I failed two of my classes, one of which was calculus. (Technically I failed another class but I got credit in it once I showed my university transcript). Programming... well, I sort of didn't do the assignments. I aced the exams, but because I hadn't done the assignments, I didn't pass.
I met with my academic advisor and we went over my possibilities. And I'll be taking a reduced course load over the next few semesters.
During exam week, I met someone amazing. She cooks really good steak. My parents got so pissed off that I stayed over at her house. I hate how they restrict my freedom. They won't let me stay over with her... it sucks cause I was only going to cuddle her as we slept. I found out how much I love holding someone in my arms while I sleep. Cuddling is very awesome.
She is also the only person, as far as I know, that I can be with and not need to be on the internet while I'm with her. The first few times I went to her place I brought my laptop but I didn't bother opening it so I don't bring it these days. Also, I've been told I'm very talented at lovemaking (yay! atleast I'm naturally good at something. XD ). (Apparently, my fingers are incredibly skilled too! :O I'm very proud)
Now that I found out about school stuff, I'll be taking extra hours at work, so I may have a weird schedule at times.
Had a wisdom tooth pulled last monday. My last one gets pulled this upcoming monday. Hung out with my friend Kuna for most of the week. One day we went to the West Edmonton Mall. They are filming a movie there which is kind of neat. It's the biggest mall in the world and it is really awesome. Of course, neither of us did any shopping (and until I get more hours at work, I can't afford much shopping) but we looked at all kinds of stores and had a great time.
On friday, we walked around the city (I also took her to a restaurant called death by chocolate... it was soooooo good) and then went to some hiking trails in a forest. It was very pretty and I really enjoyed exploring. We had lots of fun. And I took tons of pics.
This is really what I've needed. To get my ass off the internet and interact with real people. Well... not just any people... just her. And I can hardly wait till I get to see her next. She's shown me parts of the city I never even knew existed. She is so incredibly wonderful. I'm really glad I met her.
err... I know there is TONS of stuff I forgot to mention. But maybe later, when I remember, I'll add it.
I have either got allergies or a cold. Either way, I am stuffed up. But hopefully I'll be less stuffed up soon.
Also, my server makes me happy. I did a tiny bit more code on it (really simplistic) but I'm happy about the uptime.
$ uptime
10:54PM up 414 days, 7:19, 5 users, load averages: 0.00, 0.00, 0.00
Now for a teensy bit of feelings:
.longing.
As I lay here in bed, alone
I miss her.
I miss her warmth,
her scent.
I miss her warm lips
pressed against mine.
I miss the way her black hair
brushes across my face.
I miss gazing into her deep brown eyes,
losing myself in their beautiful depths.
I miss the way she burrows into me,
snuggling up close,
laying her head on my chest.
I miss how it feels to hold her close,
to caress her soft, delicate skin.
I miss her warm breath,
as it caresses my neck.
I miss holding her while she sleeps.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
rumors of my death
"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated" --Mark Twain
Sorry I haven't written for a while. I lost my motivation and then I had nothing to say. Literally.
Nothing.
At all.
It sucked.
I hate how I get inspired to do things I don't have the skills for. I want to create music. I want to create art and writings that will touch people.
Yesterday, the weather decided to hate. It was pouring rain so I was on the bus, soaked. Earlier it had been 6 degrees Celsius and so I was dressed for the better weather. Then the rain turned to snow and I had a headache. So anyway, I was feeling miserable and glitching. So I decided to listen to music. And then it was insane. Open eye visuals. I wasn't on anything, but I was seeing stuff. And... I was inspired by a song by BT to make an animation to it. And I had an entire story board done up in my head. It was mostly muted sepia tones, and consisted primarily of warfare. I just keep remembering this soldier running toward the viewer, then jumping as a shell goes off behind him. My visuals shifted to an ariel view of a circuit board and the sepia tone was gone. Blue crackles of electricity coursed through it.
So apparently I'm unable to escape electronics class, even when I am on the bus.
I can't escape work either. Last night I dreamt. Two separate dreams actually. One was odd because instead of being in it... I was watching... which made sense actually since the dream was an episode of Futurama. I may tell you all that one later, I'm not sure. But the other dream was about work. I was scheduled for one hour which was odd. And I was wearing pajamas. And the manager talked to me about that. Both managers were there. The back room was huge and full of shiny new equipment. The fish department had a new employee who actually worked. Those stupid dairy guys were messing with our new equipment and I yelled at them. There was a blue nintendo Wii logo on the wall. And one of the things I had to bring in was 'octal potatoes'. It was odd. Oh, I also had my laptop bag there and the strap broke.
ARGGGGGGGGGGG.... http://www.behringer.com/BCD2000/index.cfm?lang=ENG I WANT. PLZ PLZ PLZ. MUST HAVE. Anyone know of similar/cheaper alternatives (this one is over $200CDN).
MUST BE PATIENT... OMFG... JUST WAIT FOR THAT BONUS... ;_;
Gonna blow my bonus on a subwoofer and I dunno. But definitely need a subwoofer or I will die from bass withdrawal.
Apparently, either IRC on my phone or gmail is still costing money. Not much because the data transfer with either is incredibly low. Seems the only thing that costs nothing is the text messaging. Oh well.
Sorry I haven't written for a while. I lost my motivation and then I had nothing to say. Literally.
Nothing.
At all.
It sucked.
I hate how I get inspired to do things I don't have the skills for. I want to create music. I want to create art and writings that will touch people.
Yesterday, the weather decided to hate. It was pouring rain so I was on the bus, soaked. Earlier it had been 6 degrees Celsius and so I was dressed for the better weather. Then the rain turned to snow and I had a headache. So anyway, I was feeling miserable and glitching. So I decided to listen to music. And then it was insane. Open eye visuals. I wasn't on anything, but I was seeing stuff. And... I was inspired by a song by BT to make an animation to it. And I had an entire story board done up in my head. It was mostly muted sepia tones, and consisted primarily of warfare. I just keep remembering this soldier running toward the viewer, then jumping as a shell goes off behind him. My visuals shifted to an ariel view of a circuit board and the sepia tone was gone. Blue crackles of electricity coursed through it.
So apparently I'm unable to escape electronics class, even when I am on the bus.
I can't escape work either. Last night I dreamt. Two separate dreams actually. One was odd because instead of being in it... I was watching... which made sense actually since the dream was an episode of Futurama. I may tell you all that one later, I'm not sure. But the other dream was about work. I was scheduled for one hour which was odd. And I was wearing pajamas. And the manager talked to me about that. Both managers were there. The back room was huge and full of shiny new equipment. The fish department had a new employee who actually worked. Those stupid dairy guys were messing with our new equipment and I yelled at them. There was a blue nintendo Wii logo on the wall. And one of the things I had to bring in was 'octal potatoes'. It was odd. Oh, I also had my laptop bag there and the strap broke.
ARGGGGGGGGGGG.... http://www.behringer.com/BCD2000/index.cfm?lang=ENG I WANT. PLZ PLZ PLZ. MUST HAVE. Anyone know of similar/cheaper alternatives (this one is over $200CDN).
MUST BE PATIENT... OMFG... JUST WAIT FOR THAT BONUS... ;_;
Gonna blow my bonus on a subwoofer and I dunno. But definitely need a subwoofer or I will die from bass withdrawal.
Apparently, either IRC on my phone or gmail is still costing money. Not much because the data transfer with either is incredibly low. Seems the only thing that costs nothing is the text messaging. Oh well.
Friday, March 09, 2007
out
Date: March 9th, 2007
Mood: bored, tired, a little lonely
Another beautiful and warm day. I overslept again but I didn't miss anything important. I couldn't find my sunglasses (the magnetic ones) but I found the cool looking ones so I'm wearing them.
I was right about the way I felt yesterday. As soon as I sat down to do work, I stared blankly until I just felt like laying down.
I have tonight off. which is kinda nice, except I don't really have anything planned except that I don't want to be sitting infront of my computer all night. I want to go out, but I encounter two minor setbacks. One is that sitting in a club alone probably would make me feel worse so I need to find someone to go with, and the other problem is I don't drive. I have driven before and know how to, but I've never gotten around to being road tested yet. And even if I had, I don't have anything to drive. (Nor could I afford fuel and insurance for that matter.)
This becomes a problem because although there are many busses in edmonton during the day, there aren't really any I can take at 3 or 4 in the morning.
I really need to get out though so I'll have to see what I can arrange.
Saturday doesn't look promising for going out because I have to work and on Sunday, I should be studying for a midterm.
I am hoping that by doing something tonight, I'll be able to relax and then I'll be able to focus better. But unless I can find someone to hang out with, I'm screwed.
Mood: bored, tired, a little lonely
Another beautiful and warm day. I overslept again but I didn't miss anything important. I couldn't find my sunglasses (the magnetic ones) but I found the cool looking ones so I'm wearing them.
I was right about the way I felt yesterday. As soon as I sat down to do work, I stared blankly until I just felt like laying down.
I have tonight off. which is kinda nice, except I don't really have anything planned except that I don't want to be sitting infront of my computer all night. I want to go out, but I encounter two minor setbacks. One is that sitting in a club alone probably would make me feel worse so I need to find someone to go with, and the other problem is I don't drive. I have driven before and know how to, but I've never gotten around to being road tested yet. And even if I had, I don't have anything to drive. (Nor could I afford fuel and insurance for that matter.)
This becomes a problem because although there are many busses in edmonton during the day, there aren't really any I can take at 3 or 4 in the morning.
I really need to get out though so I'll have to see what I can arrange.
Saturday doesn't look promising for going out because I have to work and on Sunday, I should be studying for a midterm.
I am hoping that by doing something tonight, I'll be able to relax and then I'll be able to focus better. But unless I can find someone to hang out with, I'm screwed.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
hope?
Date: March 8th, 2007
Mood: mad at myself, tired, oddly optimistic
And my phone just crashed three times in a row. I think the application is corrupt.
Even though I don't have money to spend, I end up spending it anyway and this is why credit cards are bad and also wtf, why do I have to be an impulse shopper?
I'm hoping that I get my $1000 bonus soon, but it isn't likely. Even once I've got 1000 hours, it will still take another 200 hours or so for them to process it. Why would I need all this money anyway? Well, life is expensive. Especially when you suck at not spending money. All those morning coffees, snacks when I'm low on blood sugar, etc really adds up. And repairing my aging computer equipment. But also I plan on getting a subwoofer some time soon. And that will probably be $175 atleast. And I want to upgrade my iBook. It came with a 40GB HDD but that is kind of small. I'd like to stick a bigger drive in there. (And I can do that install myself, lol, even on a mac.) So one solution is to work more hours, although that is not really the best idea, since the more nights I work, the less time for homework and the less sleep I get. I only made it to one class today because I slept in because I was so tired. I still am tired.
In much worse news, however, when I went to book off the 17th, I found they had already scheduled me. So I either skip work somehow, or I go late to the rave.
This one guy on my bus today was the leader of materials management of our health system in the region and he looked kinda cool. This girl though... wow. she had the most amazing tattoo on her arm. Highly detailed and Egyptian. It had one of those cats and a lady behind it.
I've been getting to talk to people lately, and I'm feeling somewhat motivated. And I know I'm good enough to teach myself the programming stuff I missed. Hopefully I'll remain motivated enough to finish everything. Well, with all the new music I got yesterday, I'm sure I'll be able to. It is good coding music. But arggggg, I NEED a sub. I'm in the sort of mood I get in when I actually like sitting at my desk and logging into a bunch of computers and doing ten billion things at once. I haven't felt like this for quite a while now, and I hope it lasts. (note, as soon as I sit down to do some work, this mood will, quite likely, vanish). I should do my math homework but I think I will focus on C++ only cause I have a mid-term on that on monday.
Outside was really nice so I wasn't able to remain in a bad mood. But, if I don't find my sunglasses, my eyes are going to die and fall out. omfg so bright.
Although, I do feel like ranting a little. (but I haven't researched ways of FORCING it to do what I want so there may be workarounds.)
I have an iPod. I'm a little pissed off at the limitations -designed- into it.
I've also used a minidisc player and I wasn't 100% happy with it's software either, but it wasn't as bad. The minidisc player had amazing battery life and quality, in both sound and construction. I've no complaints with the sound from my iPod. But why the hell do I have to use it with a computer? Why can't I rip CDs to it directly? Why can't I use it with multiple computers? My iBooks hard disk drive is 40GB. My iPod is 80GB. If I want to fill it, and I use it with my mac, I can't fit enough music on my drive to do it. And maybe I want to load some music from one of my PCs. I think know why they did this. DRM. Digital restrictions management.
I'm sick and tired of companies treating all of us like criminals. I'm pretty sure that the license of the iPod says apple can put whatever they want on it and ultimately owns it more than I do. Similar with my PSP. They intentionally make it so you can't write your own code for it unless you refuse to upgrade the firmware and if you don't upgrade it, then you can't play the newer games. When did we lose ownership of things we have legitimately purchased? What's the point of buying something if you don't own it?
The built in iCal is nice though.
(lol, wrote yesterday but forgot to post it. yay backdating!)
Mood: mad at myself, tired, oddly optimistic
And my phone just crashed three times in a row. I think the application is corrupt.
Even though I don't have money to spend, I end up spending it anyway and this is why credit cards are bad and also wtf, why do I have to be an impulse shopper?
I'm hoping that I get my $1000 bonus soon, but it isn't likely. Even once I've got 1000 hours, it will still take another 200 hours or so for them to process it. Why would I need all this money anyway? Well, life is expensive. Especially when you suck at not spending money. All those morning coffees, snacks when I'm low on blood sugar, etc really adds up. And repairing my aging computer equipment. But also I plan on getting a subwoofer some time soon. And that will probably be $175 atleast. And I want to upgrade my iBook. It came with a 40GB HDD but that is kind of small. I'd like to stick a bigger drive in there. (And I can do that install myself, lol, even on a mac.) So one solution is to work more hours, although that is not really the best idea, since the more nights I work, the less time for homework and the less sleep I get. I only made it to one class today because I slept in because I was so tired. I still am tired.
In much worse news, however, when I went to book off the 17th, I found they had already scheduled me. So I either skip work somehow, or I go late to the rave.
This one guy on my bus today was the leader of materials management of our health system in the region and he looked kinda cool. This girl though... wow. she had the most amazing tattoo on her arm. Highly detailed and Egyptian. It had one of those cats and a lady behind it.
I've been getting to talk to people lately, and I'm feeling somewhat motivated. And I know I'm good enough to teach myself the programming stuff I missed. Hopefully I'll remain motivated enough to finish everything. Well, with all the new music I got yesterday, I'm sure I'll be able to. It is good coding music. But arggggg, I NEED a sub. I'm in the sort of mood I get in when I actually like sitting at my desk and logging into a bunch of computers and doing ten billion things at once. I haven't felt like this for quite a while now, and I hope it lasts. (note, as soon as I sit down to do some work, this mood will, quite likely, vanish). I should do my math homework but I think I will focus on C++ only cause I have a mid-term on that on monday.
Outside was really nice so I wasn't able to remain in a bad mood. But, if I don't find my sunglasses, my eyes are going to die and fall out. omfg so bright.
Although, I do feel like ranting a little. (but I haven't researched ways of FORCING it to do what I want so there may be workarounds.)
I have an iPod. I'm a little pissed off at the limitations -designed- into it.
I've also used a minidisc player and I wasn't 100% happy with it's software either, but it wasn't as bad. The minidisc player had amazing battery life and quality, in both sound and construction. I've no complaints with the sound from my iPod. But why the hell do I have to use it with a computer? Why can't I rip CDs to it directly? Why can't I use it with multiple computers? My iBooks hard disk drive is 40GB. My iPod is 80GB. If I want to fill it, and I use it with my mac, I can't fit enough music on my drive to do it. And maybe I want to load some music from one of my PCs. I think know why they did this. DRM. Digital restrictions management.
I'm sick and tired of companies treating all of us like criminals. I'm pretty sure that the license of the iPod says apple can put whatever they want on it and ultimately owns it more than I do. Similar with my PSP. They intentionally make it so you can't write your own code for it unless you refuse to upgrade the firmware and if you don't upgrade it, then you can't play the newer games. When did we lose ownership of things we have legitimately purchased? What's the point of buying something if you don't own it?
The built in iCal is nice though.
(lol, wrote yesterday but forgot to post it. yay backdating!)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
double journal extraordinare
Date: March 7th, 2007
Mood: wanna dance, excited, rave
OH MANCHII/SNEBBIT/TOM YOU LOVABLE ROGUE YOU!
I was telling him about this rave I want to go to and as soon as he saw AK 1200 was playing he told me I had to go. Now, I'd never heard of this guy so I searched for some of his tracks, (thx internet). I stuck them on my iPod lastnight and didn't get to listen to them till I was on the bus this morning.
Needless to say, I'm totally addicted.
Drum n bass. Oontz.
I approached my parents about going to the rave. (Since I live in their house and it's only courteous to do so). And they were against it, however I'm going regardless. Lol, I think I was invited to the strippers for the same night but I'd rather go to the rave, personally. I mean, I have the internet, what use have I for strippers? XD
I'm sitting almost exactly where I was when I wrote my journal yesterday. Because I don't go to english (because I am dropping it one of these days) classes don't start until later today. But I was up earlier than I needed to be. So I took a bus into the city. Went to the mall. The lineup for coffee was intimidating so I decided to walk around the city. Lots of people on the street were asking for change but I don't carry change cause I only use electronic money 99.9% of the time. I just wandered around, listlessly. Not caring where I went. I'm not even sure what determined my path. But it was a pleasant walk and it was between -1C and 4C so it felt so good. Oh, and I snapped another building picture or two.
My taste in music has grown and changed so much over the past few years. When I was a lot younger, I was so into the 80's, 90's and pop music... (not the good kind of pop, the embarrassing kind). Then I got into metal and rock. I got a midi keyboard and tried to learn how to play but lost interest after about a year.
A year or two ago, a friend who is an artist and musician got me into chiptunes and reintroduced me to 80's music. Around the same time, I started listening to Midnight Snacks. Yes, that W.T. Snacks. His internet radio show introduced me to genres that I had never thought to look into. This was where I developed my love of glitch. I also was watching CSI as much as I could and really liked the music they used. About half a year after this, a friend introduced me to indie music, a la the Paper Chase and an invite to oink. I love the Paper Chase. Now with last.fm, I've had a much easier time finding music I like and then finding music similar to it, and I've been especially into rave, trance, electronic, dance and techno lately.
"This is my melody and it's just a raver's fantasy.
Cause I know if you´re in love with me tonight,
we're ravin' through the night." - Raver's Fantasy, by Tune Up
It seems one of my coworkers quit. No one seems to care anymore. No, I don't intend to stay at this job. No, I don't think produce is as important as being a programmer or something, but I do think the job deserves the same respect from the worker. The company keeps hiring children, still wet behind the ears, and they need their hands held through everything. Some of them couldn't care less about showing up for work and sometimes leave us to do their share of the work. And they get away with it because they are unionized. (Don't get me wrong, I like our union cause they keep getting our wages raised and the company I work for would very likely treat us even worse without the union... they like to cut costs). I have a sense of responsibility. I even had it when I was younger and taught martial arts. I've stayed late a few times when it was needed to prevent the department from losing a lot of money. So yeah, since my coworker quit, there is no one to do the close tonight. They called everyone. At first I said I'd rather not because this is the middle of the week and I have school, and they tried to find someone else, but they called me back and said there was no one else, so although I really don't want to, I'm going to close the department tonight. I need the extra money anyway. I also, in an odd way, enjoy the fact that I am needed. Kinda makes me feel like I have a purpose. Again, I got to set my terms so I said I'm out of there half an hour early and they are ok with that.
I've been wondering, do you, the readers of my blog, enjoy reading it? Is it like a form of entertainment? Is it interesting? I dunno why I was wondering, just curious I guess, but plz feedback!
P.S.
Me having a credit card is a bad thing D:
Especially when I just impulsively buy things I can't afford.
;_;
P.P.S
I remembered that I hadn't been eating much lately, so I was curious and found out I weigh like 6lbs less than a week or 2 ago. (lol, I got used to checking my weight when I used to train). *shrugs*
Mood: wanna dance, excited, rave
OH MANCHII/SNEBBIT/TOM YOU LOVABLE ROGUE YOU!
I was telling him about this rave I want to go to and as soon as he saw AK 1200 was playing he told me I had to go. Now, I'd never heard of this guy so I searched for some of his tracks, (thx internet). I stuck them on my iPod lastnight and didn't get to listen to them till I was on the bus this morning.
Needless to say, I'm totally addicted.
Drum n bass. Oontz.
I approached my parents about going to the rave. (Since I live in their house and it's only courteous to do so). And they were against it, however I'm going regardless. Lol, I think I was invited to the strippers for the same night but I'd rather go to the rave, personally. I mean, I have the internet, what use have I for strippers? XD
I'm sitting almost exactly where I was when I wrote my journal yesterday. Because I don't go to english (because I am dropping it one of these days) classes don't start until later today. But I was up earlier than I needed to be. So I took a bus into the city. Went to the mall. The lineup for coffee was intimidating so I decided to walk around the city. Lots of people on the street were asking for change but I don't carry change cause I only use electronic money 99.9% of the time. I just wandered around, listlessly. Not caring where I went. I'm not even sure what determined my path. But it was a pleasant walk and it was between -1C and 4C so it felt so good. Oh, and I snapped another building picture or two.
My taste in music has grown and changed so much over the past few years. When I was a lot younger, I was so into the 80's, 90's and pop music... (not the good kind of pop, the embarrassing kind). Then I got into metal and rock. I got a midi keyboard and tried to learn how to play but lost interest after about a year.
A year or two ago, a friend who is an artist and musician got me into chiptunes and reintroduced me to 80's music. Around the same time, I started listening to Midnight Snacks. Yes, that W.T. Snacks. His internet radio show introduced me to genres that I had never thought to look into. This was where I developed my love of glitch. I also was watching CSI as much as I could and really liked the music they used. About half a year after this, a friend introduced me to indie music, a la the Paper Chase and an invite to oink. I love the Paper Chase. Now with last.fm, I've had a much easier time finding music I like and then finding music similar to it, and I've been especially into rave, trance, electronic, dance and techno lately.
"This is my melody and it's just a raver's fantasy.
Cause I know if you´re in love with me tonight,
we're ravin' through the night." - Raver's Fantasy, by Tune Up
It seems one of my coworkers quit. No one seems to care anymore. No, I don't intend to stay at this job. No, I don't think produce is as important as being a programmer or something, but I do think the job deserves the same respect from the worker. The company keeps hiring children, still wet behind the ears, and they need their hands held through everything. Some of them couldn't care less about showing up for work and sometimes leave us to do their share of the work. And they get away with it because they are unionized. (Don't get me wrong, I like our union cause they keep getting our wages raised and the company I work for would very likely treat us even worse without the union... they like to cut costs). I have a sense of responsibility. I even had it when I was younger and taught martial arts. I've stayed late a few times when it was needed to prevent the department from losing a lot of money. So yeah, since my coworker quit, there is no one to do the close tonight. They called everyone. At first I said I'd rather not because this is the middle of the week and I have school, and they tried to find someone else, but they called me back and said there was no one else, so although I really don't want to, I'm going to close the department tonight. I need the extra money anyway. I also, in an odd way, enjoy the fact that I am needed. Kinda makes me feel like I have a purpose. Again, I got to set my terms so I said I'm out of there half an hour early and they are ok with that.
I've been wondering, do you, the readers of my blog, enjoy reading it? Is it like a form of entertainment? Is it interesting? I dunno why I was wondering, just curious I guess, but plz feedback!
P.S.
Me having a credit card is a bad thing D:
Especially when I just impulsively buy things I can't afford.
;_;
P.P.S
I remembered that I hadn't been eating much lately, so I was curious and found out I weigh like 6lbs less than a week or 2 ago. (lol, I got used to checking my weight when I used to train). *shrugs*
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
r4v3r
Date: March 6th, 2007
Mood: craving glowsticks and your warm embrace
Again, just cause it's important:
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
I wanna go to a rave. I want to get good at liquid dancing and popping.
You and me.
On the dance floor.
The music pulses and the lights strobe.
Both of us, moving in time to the music, grinding against eachother.
Hot, sweaty.
Our hearts pounding like the bass.
We kiss and I taste your sweat, feel your heat.
Lasers play across your stunningly beautiful face.
We embrace, still grinding, pulsing with the music.
Kissing, licking, hugging, lost in the music
Lost in the beat
Just us.
Nothing else matters.
Both of us
In the moment.
In the darkness light by strobes, lasers and glowsticks
And suddenly we are one person
moving in perfect time to the beat
In the roar of the music and the crowd
(yeah, I read a really hot rave fic and then while listening to music and drinking coffee, I came up with that)
Mood: craving glowsticks and your warm embrace
Again, just cause it's important:
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
I wanna go to a rave. I want to get good at liquid dancing and popping.
You and me.
On the dance floor.
The music pulses and the lights strobe.
Both of us, moving in time to the music, grinding against eachother.
Hot, sweaty.
Our hearts pounding like the bass.
We kiss and I taste your sweat, feel your heat.
Lasers play across your stunningly beautiful face.
We embrace, still grinding, pulsing with the music.
Kissing, licking, hugging, lost in the music
Lost in the beat
Just us.
Nothing else matters.
Both of us
In the moment.
In the darkness light by strobes, lasers and glowsticks
And suddenly we are one person
moving in perfect time to the beat
In the roar of the music and the crowd
(yeah, I read a really hot rave fic and then while listening to music and drinking coffee, I came up with that)
Monday, March 05, 2007
a mood swing
Title: a mood swing
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up
To my adoring and lovely people:
Day didn't get off to the best start. I had a really hard time getting up. I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness. Partly, it was my own fault. I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely. My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.
The midterm is going to be difficult. I don't know the material. At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I don't have anywhere else to go. If I fail here, I'm SOL. And I'll be kicked out of my house.
My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.
On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod. And I'm currently listening to some of them. I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good. A few of them are by local artists. And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.
So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee. I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.
I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.
About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad. I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music. (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)
I did a little reading yesterday. Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there. I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.
omgwtfbbq I need bass. I need bass badly. One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on. mmmmmmm yeah! This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.
Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush. The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes. (took me maybe 30 minutes) Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard. I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.
These headphones need to be louder. They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.
Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!
Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here. Lol, I am so trendy! wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod. (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)
The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up
To my adoring and lovely people:
Day didn't get off to the best start. I had a really hard time getting up. I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness. Partly, it was my own fault. I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely. My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.
The midterm is going to be difficult. I don't know the material. At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I don't have anywhere else to go. If I fail here, I'm SOL. And I'll be kicked out of my house.
My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.
On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod. And I'm currently listening to some of them. I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good. A few of them are by local artists. And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.
So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee. I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.
I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.
About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad. I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music. (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)
I did a little reading yesterday. Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there. I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.
omgwtfbbq I need bass. I need bass badly. One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on. mmmmmmm yeah! This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.
Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush. The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes. (took me maybe 30 minutes) Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard. I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.
These headphones need to be louder. They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.
Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!
Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here. Lol, I am so trendy! wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod. (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)
The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.
Friday, March 02, 2007
I want my nanites, plz
Date: March 2nd, 2007
Mood: the warmth of the sun striking my cheek, loved, bored, creative
Weather
Although the sun is gently caressing my cheek, it is actually quite cold outside.
Shakespeare
This girl sitting next to me has this big book and is currently reading romeo and juliet. ...that turns me on so much, omfg.
Cleaning
I should take my laptop offline this weekend and give it a good cleaning. It is expected that the case would get fingerprints and dirt all over it, but the screen is a little dirty too and there is dust and hairs under the keyboard.
Usually, I've just been wiping the dust off the screen, and I don't really get any finger prints on it, but I think a damp cloth would probably do fine.
Work
I work tonight and tomorrow. The schedule made me happy though, since I'll be done at 9pm tonight. and tomorrow seems to be a 10 till 5 shift.
Thanks
Seriously, thank you to everyone who has been sticking with me, even when I have been getting emo and acting really selfish. I really appreciate it.
Blogging
I don't know why I do it.
I don't know if I'm any good at it.
I don't know how many people bother to read it.
But for some reason, I enjoy doing it.
Also, in a sense, I enjoy having the record of my thoughts. Sometimes I read back towards the beginning and think about how I've changed and how I've stayed the same.
Art
So yesterday, I uploaded a couple of pictures. If my creativity holds out long enough, I'll see if I can get a poem or two or maybe even a story up. And of course, more pictures. I'm on my way downtown right now, so I'll see if anything is inspiring or pretty.
Hatred of writing
Well, I''ve always said I hated writing. Well, I did (and still do). But it was more a hatred of forced writing. I'd do well on essays when I had fun and was controversial. For a guy that hates writing, I certainly do a lot of it!
Hatred of coding
Lol, never thought it would happen, but it did. I honestly see code as an artform. There is a certain degree of creativity involved. But, like writing, when I'm forced to do it, it really stifles my creativity. Don't get me wrong, I love computers and code. I just don't like having to submit it for marks :P
Console menu
Sometimes, I wish I could hit tab and open up a console menu. (Tilde, maybe?) But in real life. When the bus was going up the hill, I had a perfect view of the river valley and it would have been nice had I been able to enable no-clipping mode and fly mode. Then I could have gotten some amazing shots.
The future
I see social networking and blogging and that sort of thing really taking off soon. To an insanely large exponential growth that will shock many people.
I want my nanotechnology though. Then I'll have computers in my body, and wireless, of course. I'll be able to be connected anywhere. If I see a beautiful scene, I can record the image directly from my eyes.
I'm sure there will be downsides, and perhaps the government will attempt to limit or restrict the technologies use in humans, but I WILL have it. At any cost. Defiant till the end, rawr. I've wanted it for years.
Mood: the warmth of the sun striking my cheek, loved, bored, creative
Weather
Although the sun is gently caressing my cheek, it is actually quite cold outside.
Shakespeare
This girl sitting next to me has this big book and is currently reading romeo and juliet. ...that turns me on so much, omfg.
Cleaning
I should take my laptop offline this weekend and give it a good cleaning. It is expected that the case would get fingerprints and dirt all over it, but the screen is a little dirty too and there is dust and hairs under the keyboard.
Usually, I've just been wiping the dust off the screen, and I don't really get any finger prints on it, but I think a damp cloth would probably do fine.
Work
I work tonight and tomorrow. The schedule made me happy though, since I'll be done at 9pm tonight. and tomorrow seems to be a 10 till 5 shift.
Thanks
Seriously, thank you to everyone who has been sticking with me, even when I have been getting emo and acting really selfish. I really appreciate it.
Blogging
I don't know why I do it.
I don't know if I'm any good at it.
I don't know how many people bother to read it.
But for some reason, I enjoy doing it.
Also, in a sense, I enjoy having the record of my thoughts. Sometimes I read back towards the beginning and think about how I've changed and how I've stayed the same.
Art
So yesterday, I uploaded a couple of pictures. If my creativity holds out long enough, I'll see if I can get a poem or two or maybe even a story up. And of course, more pictures. I'm on my way downtown right now, so I'll see if anything is inspiring or pretty.
Hatred of writing
Well, I''ve always said I hated writing. Well, I did (and still do). But it was more a hatred of forced writing. I'd do well on essays when I had fun and was controversial. For a guy that hates writing, I certainly do a lot of it!
Hatred of coding
Lol, never thought it would happen, but it did. I honestly see code as an artform. There is a certain degree of creativity involved. But, like writing, when I'm forced to do it, it really stifles my creativity. Don't get me wrong, I love computers and code. I just don't like having to submit it for marks :P
Console menu
Sometimes, I wish I could hit tab and open up a console menu. (Tilde, maybe?) But in real life. When the bus was going up the hill, I had a perfect view of the river valley and it would have been nice had I been able to enable no-clipping mode and fly mode. Then I could have gotten some amazing shots.
The future
I see social networking and blogging and that sort of thing really taking off soon. To an insanely large exponential growth that will shock many people.
I want my nanotechnology though. Then I'll have computers in my body, and wireless, of course. I'll be able to be connected anywhere. If I see a beautiful scene, I can record the image directly from my eyes.
I'm sure there will be downsides, and perhaps the government will attempt to limit or restrict the technologies use in humans, but I WILL have it. At any cost. Defiant till the end, rawr. I've wanted it for years.
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