a mood swing

Title: a mood swing
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up

To my adoring and lovely people:

Day didn't get off to the best start. I had a really hard time getting up. I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness. Partly, it was my own fault. I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely. My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.

The midterm is going to be difficult. I don't know the material. At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I don't have anywhere else to go. If I fail here, I'm SOL. And I'll be kicked out of my house.

My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.

On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod. And I'm currently listening to some of them. I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good. A few of them are by local artists. And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.

So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee. I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.

I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.

About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad. I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music. (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)

I did a little reading yesterday. Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there. I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.

omgwtfbbq I need bass. I need bass badly. One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on. mmmmmmm yeah! This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.

Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush. The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes. (took me maybe 30 minutes) Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard. I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.

These headphones need to be louder. They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.

Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!

Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here. Lol, I am so trendy! wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod. (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)

The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!

PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.

going insane

Date: Feb 23, 2007
Mood: Very unsatisfied, depressed, tired, lonely, missing you, hurt


*sighs* This has definately been a crappy reading week.
I hate school and work so much. And not just my own school, but the fact that school has stolen the most important person from me.
I started to plan out/write some poetry in my head lastnight at work. I'm not sure if I'll ever actually post it, but I may. It's shitty how when I have time to hang out with people, they don't have time for me. I understand that school needs to be peoples priority, but that doesn't take away the pain.
All I've really managed to acomplish this reading week was annoy someone and be depressed.
Apparently, wanting to be with people, wanting to be loved, and wanting to talk to them is too much. Fuck, I'm sick of this. I've been feeling so empty lately. I manage to feel ok for short periods of time, but I'm ALWAYS draged back down to this. *sighs* and since everyone is too busy to talk, I'm reduced to writing journal entries that will either be dissmissed as emo crap or likely not even read in the first place. I've been increasingly asking myself why I'm even bothering with the internet in the first place. It's the cause of most of my pain, yet I'm addicted to it, and it is also the source of my rare, but pleasant joy. The poems I've been thinking of all seem to have a common theme, holding you in my arms. Fuck I just want to fall asleep in your arms, to be with you, share life with you. I miss your voice, I miss the sounds you make.
Dammit, I can't even think straight anymore.
I tried to keep myself busy earlier, tried to do some coding... but I kept thinking of you.
Work has been shitty because they have been cutting shifts so I have to do the work of 3 people. They called me up, cause they need me to work tonight...
I agreed to go because I'm gonna feel like crap regardless, atleast if I'm at work I can't be a nuissance to you.
But it makes me sad because you'll either be asleep when I get home or busy. And if you aren't, you'll probably be talking to someone else instead.

Fuck, it's like I'm half writing an email and half writing a journal.

(to everyone who is confused, I don't even care anymore and it doesn't matter who 'you' is fuck I dunno even why I'm posting this, fuck fuck fuck.)