rumors of my death

"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated" --Mark Twain

Sorry I haven't written for a while. I lost my motivation and then I had nothing to say. Literally.
Nothing.
At all.

It sucked.

I hate how I get inspired to do things I don't have the skills for. I want to create music. I want to create art and writings that will touch people.

Yesterday, the weather decided to hate. It was pouring rain so I was on the bus, soaked. Earlier it had been 6 degrees Celsius and so I was dressed for the better weather. Then the rain turned to snow and I had a headache. So anyway, I was feeling miserable and glitching. So I decided to listen to music. And then it was insane. Open eye visuals. I wasn't on anything, but I was seeing stuff. And... I was inspired by a song by BT to make an animation to it. And I had an entire story board done up in my head. It was mostly muted sepia tones, and consisted primarily of warfare. I just keep remembering this soldier running toward the viewer, then jumping as a shell goes off behind him. My visuals shifted to an ariel view of a circuit board and the sepia tone was gone. Blue crackles of electricity coursed through it.
So apparently I'm unable to escape electronics class, even when I am on the bus.
I can't escape work either. Last night I dreamt. Two separate dreams actually. One was odd because instead of being in it... I was watching... which made sense actually since the dream was an episode of Futurama. I may tell you all that one later, I'm not sure. But the other dream was about work. I was scheduled for one hour which was odd. And I was wearing pajamas. And the manager talked to me about that. Both managers were there. The back room was huge and full of shiny new equipment. The fish department had a new employee who actually worked. Those stupid dairy guys were messing with our new equipment and I yelled at them. There was a blue nintendo Wii logo on the wall. And one of the things I had to bring in was 'octal potatoes'. It was odd. Oh, I also had my laptop bag there and the strap broke.

ARGGGGGGGGGGG.... http://www.behringer.com/BCD2000/index.cfm?lang=ENG I WANT. PLZ PLZ PLZ. MUST HAVE. Anyone know of similar/cheaper alternatives (this one is over $200CDN).
MUST BE PATIENT... OMFG... JUST WAIT FOR THAT BONUS... ;_;
Gonna blow my bonus on a subwoofer and I dunno. But definitely need a subwoofer or I will die from bass withdrawal.

Apparently, either IRC on my phone or gmail is still costing money. Not much because the data transfer with either is incredibly low. Seems the only thing that costs nothing is the text messaging. Oh well.

out

Date: March 9th, 2007
Mood: bored, tired, a little lonely

Another beautiful and warm day. I overslept again but I didn't miss anything important. I couldn't find my sunglasses (the magnetic ones) but I found the cool looking ones so I'm wearing them.

I was right about the way I felt yesterday. As soon as I sat down to do work, I stared blankly until I just felt like laying down.

I have tonight off. which is kinda nice, except I don't really have anything planned except that I don't want to be sitting infront of my computer all night. I want to go out, but I encounter two minor setbacks. One is that sitting in a club alone probably would make me feel worse so I need to find someone to go with, and the other problem is I don't drive. I have driven before and know how to, but I've never gotten around to being road tested yet. And even if I had, I don't have anything to drive. (Nor could I afford fuel and insurance for that matter.)
This becomes a problem because although there are many busses in edmonton during the day, there aren't really any I can take at 3 or 4 in the morning.
I really need to get out though so I'll have to see what I can arrange.
Saturday doesn't look promising for going out because I have to work and on Sunday, I should be studying for a midterm.
I am hoping that by doing something tonight, I'll be able to relax and then I'll be able to focus better. But unless I can find someone to hang out with, I'm screwed.

hope?

Date: March 8th, 2007
Mood: mad at myself, tired, oddly optimistic

And my phone just crashed three times in a row. I think the application is corrupt.
Even though I don't have money to spend, I end up spending it anyway and this is why credit cards are bad and also wtf, why do I have to be an impulse shopper?
I'm hoping that I get my $1000 bonus soon, but it isn't likely. Even once I've got 1000 hours, it will still take another 200 hours or so for them to process it. Why would I need all this money anyway? Well, life is expensive. Especially when you suck at not spending money. All those morning coffees, snacks when I'm low on blood sugar, etc really adds up. And repairing my aging computer equipment. But also I plan on getting a subwoofer some time soon. And that will probably be $175 atleast. And I want to upgrade my iBook. It came with a 40GB HDD but that is kind of small. I'd like to stick a bigger drive in there. (And I can do that install myself, lol, even on a mac.) So one solution is to work more hours, although that is not really the best idea, since the more nights I work, the less time for homework and the less sleep I get. I only made it to one class today because I slept in because I was so tired. I still am tired.

In much worse news, however, when I went to book off the 17th, I found they had already scheduled me. So I either skip work somehow, or I go late to the rave.

This one guy on my bus today was the leader of materials management of our health system in the region and he looked kinda cool. This girl though... wow. she had the most amazing tattoo on her arm. Highly detailed and Egyptian. It had one of those cats and a lady behind it.

I've been getting to talk to people lately, and I'm feeling somewhat motivated. And I know I'm good enough to teach myself the programming stuff I missed. Hopefully I'll remain motivated enough to finish everything. Well, with all the new music I got yesterday, I'm sure I'll be able to. It is good coding music. But arggggg, I NEED a sub. I'm in the sort of mood I get in when I actually like sitting at my desk and logging into a bunch of computers and doing ten billion things at once. I haven't felt like this for quite a while now, and I hope it lasts. (note, as soon as I sit down to do some work, this mood will, quite likely, vanish). I should do my math homework but I think I will focus on C++ only cause I have a mid-term on that on monday.

Outside was really nice so I wasn't able to remain in a bad mood. But, if I don't find my sunglasses, my eyes are going to die and fall out. omfg so bright.

Although, I do feel like ranting a little. (but I haven't researched ways of FORCING it to do what I want so there may be workarounds.)
I have an iPod. I'm a little pissed off at the limitations -designed- into it.
I've also used a minidisc player and I wasn't 100% happy with it's software either, but it wasn't as bad. The minidisc player had amazing battery life and quality, in both sound and construction. I've no complaints with the sound from my iPod. But why the hell do I have to use it with a computer? Why can't I rip CDs to it directly? Why can't I use it with multiple computers? My iBooks hard disk drive is 40GB. My iPod is 80GB. If I want to fill it, and I use it with my mac, I can't fit enough music on my drive to do it. And maybe I want to load some music from one of my PCs. I think know why they did this. DRM. Digital restrictions management.
I'm sick and tired of companies treating all of us like criminals. I'm pretty sure that the license of the iPod says apple can put whatever they want on it and ultimately owns it more than I do. Similar with my PSP. They intentionally make it so you can't write your own code for it unless you refuse to upgrade the firmware and if you don't upgrade it, then you can't play the newer games. When did we lose ownership of things we have legitimately purchased? What's the point of buying something if you don't own it?
The built in iCal is nice though.

(lol, wrote yesterday but forgot to post it. yay backdating!)

double journal extraordinare

Date: March 7th, 2007
Mood: wanna dance, excited, rave

OH MANCHII/SNEBBIT/TOM YOU LOVABLE ROGUE YOU!

I was telling him about this rave I want to go to and as soon as he saw AK 1200 was playing he told me I had to go. Now, I'd never heard of this guy so I searched for some of his tracks, (thx internet). I stuck them on my iPod lastnight and didn't get to listen to them till I was on the bus this morning.
Needless to say, I'm totally addicted.
Drum n bass. Oontz.

I approached my parents about going to the rave. (Since I live in their house and it's only courteous to do so). And they were against it, however I'm going regardless. Lol, I think I was invited to the strippers for the same night but I'd rather go to the rave, personally. I mean, I have the internet, what use have I for strippers? XD

I'm sitting almost exactly where I was when I wrote my journal yesterday. Because I don't go to english (because I am dropping it one of these days) classes don't start until later today. But I was up earlier than I needed to be. So I took a bus into the city. Went to the mall. The lineup for coffee was intimidating so I decided to walk around the city. Lots of people on the street were asking for change but I don't carry change cause I only use electronic money 99.9% of the time. I just wandered around, listlessly. Not caring where I went. I'm not even sure what determined my path. But it was a pleasant walk and it was between -1C and 4C so it felt so good. Oh, and I snapped another building picture or two.

My taste in music has grown and changed so much over the past few years. When I was a lot younger, I was so into the 80's, 90's and pop music... (not the good kind of pop, the embarrassing kind). Then I got into metal and rock. I got a midi keyboard and tried to learn how to play but lost interest after about a year.
A year or two ago, a friend who is an artist and musician got me into chiptunes and reintroduced me to 80's music. Around the same time, I started listening to Midnight Snacks. Yes, that W.T. Snacks. His internet radio show introduced me to genres that I had never thought to look into. This was where I developed my love of glitch. I also was watching CSI as much as I could and really liked the music they used. About half a year after this, a friend introduced me to indie music, a la the Paper Chase and an invite to oink. I love the Paper Chase. Now with last.fm, I've had a much easier time finding music I like and then finding music similar to it, and I've been especially into rave, trance, electronic, dance and techno lately.
"This is my melody and it's just a raver's fantasy.
Cause I know if you´re in love with me tonight,
we're ravin' through the night." - Raver's Fantasy, by Tune Up

It seems one of my coworkers quit. No one seems to care anymore. No, I don't intend to stay at this job. No, I don't think produce is as important as being a programmer or something, but I do think the job deserves the same respect from the worker. The company keeps hiring children, still wet behind the ears, and they need their hands held through everything. Some of them couldn't care less about showing up for work and sometimes leave us to do their share of the work. And they get away with it because they are unionized. (Don't get me wrong, I like our union cause they keep getting our wages raised and the company I work for would very likely treat us even worse without the union... they like to cut costs). I have a sense of responsibility. I even had it when I was younger and taught martial arts. I've stayed late a few times when it was needed to prevent the department from losing a lot of money. So yeah, since my coworker quit, there is no one to do the close tonight. They called everyone. At first I said I'd rather not because this is the middle of the week and I have school, and they tried to find someone else, but they called me back and said there was no one else, so although I really don't want to, I'm going to close the department tonight. I need the extra money anyway. I also, in an odd way, enjoy the fact that I am needed. Kinda makes me feel like I have a purpose. Again, I got to set my terms so I said I'm out of there half an hour early and they are ok with that.

I've been wondering, do you, the readers of my blog, enjoy reading it? Is it like a form of entertainment? Is it interesting? I dunno why I was wondering, just curious I guess, but plz feedback!

P.S.
Me having a credit card is a bad thing D:
Especially when I just impulsively buy things I can't afford.
;_;

P.P.S
I remembered that I hadn't been eating much lately, so I was curious and found out I weigh like 6lbs less than a week or 2 ago. (lol, I got used to checking my weight when I used to train). *shrugs*

r4v3r

Date: March 6th, 2007
Mood: craving glowsticks and your warm embrace



Again, just cause it's important:
PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.

I wanna go to a rave. I want to get good at liquid dancing and popping.

You and me.
On the dance floor.
The music pulses and the lights strobe.
Both of us, moving in time to the music, grinding against eachother.
Hot, sweaty.
Our hearts pounding like the bass.
We kiss and I taste your sweat, feel your heat.
Lasers play across your stunningly beautiful face.
We embrace, still grinding, pulsing with the music.
Kissing, licking, hugging, lost in the music
Lost in the beat
Just us.
Nothing else matters.
Both of us
In the moment.
In the darkness light by strobes, lasers and glowsticks
And suddenly we are one person
moving in perfect time to the beat
In the roar of the music and the crowd

(yeah, I read a really hot rave fic and then while listening to music and drinking coffee, I came up with that)

a mood swing

Title: a mood swing
Date: March 5th, 2007
Mood: nrrrrrrrrrrrr, uggggghhhhh, down, up

To my adoring and lovely people:

Day didn't get off to the best start. I had a really hard time getting up. I felt sick and every time I moved, I was overcome by dizziness. Partly, it was my own fault. I had a hard time sleeping so I ended up calling some people because I was feeling lonely. My appetite was gone again too, but I forced myself to eat one of those small things of yogurt because I have a midterm today.

The midterm is going to be difficult. I don't know the material. At all.
I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself. I don't have anywhere else to go. If I fail here, I'm SOL. And I'll be kicked out of my house.

My eyes sting and I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, but I can't afford to do that.

On the more positive side of things, I ripped a bunch of my CDs and updated my iPod. And I'm currently listening to some of them. I haven't heard a lot of these songs for a while and they are really good. A few of them are by local artists. And if they aren't already on last.fm, I will add them, or tag or whatever.

So in a move that may seem counter-productive, I'm sitting in the foodcourt of a mall, with a huge coffee. I can't make my first class anyway, and the coffee might help my mood slightly.

I'm sipping it slowly, because I'm still not feeling 100% but I am starting to feel a little better.

About half way done now (it is 'venti' size) and... I'm feeling even better, but still bad. I'm thinking I should bring my iPod speakers to class tomorrow and annoy my classmates with music. (they are this really nifty clamshell thing and it is loud and self powered and has really good base.)

I did a little reading yesterday. Took 'Altered Carbon' from the shelf and flipped to the last fifth of the book and read from there. I've read the whole story before and reading that part again was exciting.

omgwtfbbq I need bass. I need bass badly. One of my favorite dance/techno/rave CDs is on. mmmmmmm yeah! This boosts my mood!
Also, I think the caffeine is kicking in.

Well, even more time has passed and I can feel an adrenaline rush. The surge of caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I love how I can go from emo to super awesome high (I call this feeling my coders high, but I used to get it when I was training in martial arts too) in a matter of minutes. (took me maybe 30 minutes) Of course, it works both ways and the crash will probably be pretty hard. I'll have to remember to grab a couple more coffees before I write my exam.

These headphones need to be louder. They are cranked but I need more!
Shame the electronics stores aren't open yet.

Now, to find some internets so I can shove this content through the tubes!

Hmmmm.... there are lots of business people around here. Lol, I am so trendy! wearing my black shirt and drinking a fancypants coffee and using a mac and listening to an iPod. (yes, I am laughing at myself, lol)

The initial rush has subsided a little bit, leaving me in a pleasant mood.
Time to head to class.
luffles for everyone!!!

PS: Anyone with mac experience out there?
I need wireless with better range than the stock airport card in this iBook G4 12".
Preferably USB if possible and capable of all the fun stuff ;) (packet capturing, packet injection, etc.). It needs to work with mac OSX tiger. And it needs really good range... or be able to be easily modified for long range. Please let me know. You can email me at nikuramon (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks in advance.

I want my nanites, plz

Date: March 2nd, 2007
Mood: the warmth of the sun striking my cheek, loved, bored, creative

Weather
Although the sun is gently caressing my cheek, it is actually quite cold outside.

Shakespeare
This girl sitting next to me has this big book and is currently reading romeo and juliet. ...that turns me on so much, omfg.

Cleaning
I should take my laptop offline this weekend and give it a good cleaning. It is expected that the case would get fingerprints and dirt all over it, but the screen is a little dirty too and there is dust and hairs under the keyboard.
Usually, I've just been wiping the dust off the screen, and I don't really get any finger prints on it, but I think a damp cloth would probably do fine.

Work
I work tonight and tomorrow. The schedule made me happy though, since I'll be done at 9pm tonight. and tomorrow seems to be a 10 till 5 shift.

Thanks
Seriously, thank you to everyone who has been sticking with me, even when I have been getting emo and acting really selfish. I really appreciate it.

Blogging
I don't know why I do it.
I don't know if I'm any good at it.
I don't know how many people bother to read it.
But for some reason, I enjoy doing it.
Also, in a sense, I enjoy having the record of my thoughts. Sometimes I read back towards the beginning and think about how I've changed and how I've stayed the same.

Art
So yesterday, I uploaded a couple of pictures. If my creativity holds out long enough, I'll see if I can get a poem or two or maybe even a story up. And of course, more pictures. I'm on my way downtown right now, so I'll see if anything is inspiring or pretty.

Hatred of writing
Well, I''ve always said I hated writing. Well, I did (and still do). But it was more a hatred of forced writing. I'd do well on essays when I had fun and was controversial. For a guy that hates writing, I certainly do a lot of it!

Hatred of coding
Lol, never thought it would happen, but it did. I honestly see code as an artform. There is a certain degree of creativity involved. But, like writing, when I'm forced to do it, it really stifles my creativity. Don't get me wrong, I love computers and code. I just don't like having to submit it for marks :P

Console menu
Sometimes, I wish I could hit tab and open up a console menu. (Tilde, maybe?) But in real life. When the bus was going up the hill, I had a perfect view of the river valley and it would have been nice had I been able to enable no-clipping mode and fly mode. Then I could have gotten some amazing shots.

The future
I see social networking and blogging and that sort of thing really taking off soon. To an insanely large exponential growth that will shock many people.
I want my nanotechnology though. Then I'll have computers in my body, and wireless, of course. I'll be able to be connected anywhere. If I see a beautiful scene, I can record the image directly from my eyes.
I'm sure there will be downsides, and perhaps the government will attempt to limit or restrict the technologies use in humans, but I WILL have it. At any cost. Defiant till the end, rawr. I've wanted it for years.

muh

Date: March 1st, 2007
Mood: cold, apathetic

I'd almost swear I was a sinusoidal function or something.

Lastnight
Well, I had code to write. But I was missing someone. A lot. But I promised a friend I wouldn't be emo because it was hurting him. And I really didn't feel up to doing anything. So I took the stuff that helps me sleep again, hoping it would calm me, and it helped, but not enough. So I got my bottle of Jack Daniels out and had a glass of it. This helped even more and soon I was singing along with 80's songs!
Now, as for the coding... I have successfully written code while drunk before. But I was feeling artistic so I cropped and resized some photos instead! But then I was tired so I went to bed instead and didn't actually get around to coding.

Food
Food hasn't really interested me lately. I'm barely eating and when I do, it is not particularly healthy (I seem to only be able to force myself to eat tiny amounts of chocolate). Actually, a lot of things haven't interested me lately. I didn't feel like waking up earlier so I missed my first class and now, I'm seriously considering hanging out at the mall instead of going to math.

Mental health
lol, more like the lack thereof. I'm not entirely sure what is going on, nor do I want to speculate why I've become like this. And I don't want anyone else jumping to conclusions either. I dunno, everything just feels pointless lately.

Giving up
I dunno, I guess that seems like the best way to describe how I feel. I feel like I've pretty much given up on everything.
I'm not really the type to lie online, so I won't say I'm happy, but I'm not emo or depressed or anything, so don't worry about me.

Sleep
I thought I slept well, but I guess I didn't. I kept falling asleep on the bus. I don't think I'll go to the mall, I think I'll just sleep through math-class instead.
And I still need help on that laplace stuff.

lying to myself
no matter how much I convince myself otherwise, everything I do is for selfish reasons, and I'd like to apologize to everyone about that.

I just got myself some coffee in hopes it will perk me up.
I don't know how I keep writing these entries.

test

test
(cause blogger was giving me an error)