Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been around much. Or that I've been around but not 'here'. I dunno if this will make any sense whatsoever but I'll try.
(Please note that this will likely be tl;dr and not very interesting in the slightest but I feel I have to write it down.)
Also, I had completely lost the will to blog so I'm not sure why I had the urge to write this, but I guess from the depths of depression comes my best inspiration.
Initially it was because I met a truly wonderful person. And the internet just wasn't interesting when I was around her. As much as I love her, there is no future for us. Because she has chosen someone else.
It's never me apparently. I'm a "wonderful person who deserves better". I hear that way too much. I don't want better. I want you. Not anyone else. And since everyone is unique, I'll never find anyone else exactly like her. No one with the same traits, personality, flaws, and awesomeness.
Now, I knew it was coming. I knew this would happen when I got into the relationship in the first place. But I tried to follow a friends advice and live for today. Not worry about the future. To be quite honest, I have no regrets.
I guess it's getting to the point where I wonder why I even bother. Why try to love? Why expose myself to more pain? Throughout elementary school and highschool, I was in a shell. I was curled up inside my mind. At recess and lunch, I'd just read instead of playing with others. And then I'd hate them for excluding me. Even though I was the one excluding myself by not trying to be included. At nights, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I didn't know how miserable I was making myself by lying to myself and telling myself I needed no one. So I'd read till I passed out from exhaustion. I used to read so much. Then I switched to pills to knock myself out.
University changed me, however. In many ways. The first is that it broke me out of my shell. I did a complete 180. Suddenly, instead of loathing all other people, I was longing to be with them. Also, it was like a barrier was removed and suddenly, I had emotions. I never had them before. I was just numb. And once I had them, I wished I could make them go away. The second way it changed me was by failing, it destroyed the remnants of my self confidence. At this point, I felt lonely and needed to be with people. But due to poor social skills, I'd just sit at home drinking and feeling sorry for myself.
I also had this tendency to get attached to people and then get absolutely crushed by them. It's happened so many times you'd think I'd learn, but I don't. I've been lied to so many times and had my head screwed around with by so many people that I am paranoid and freak out pretty easily. I also have a codependency issue (that people keep making worse, IMHO) ( n.b. see, I always try to blame others for my own problems.)
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, not even in my family. I've felt it for a while now. And I think subconsciously, I am pushing my parents to the point of kicking me out so I have an excuse to leave and yet I can still whine about how it is their fault.
When I got home from work yesterday, I was feeling pretty pathetic. And suddenly, I was numb. I became objective, which happens with me from time to time. And my brain started digging up things I had buried for a quite some time. I lay there thinking for about 2 hours before talking to anyone at all. Some things, I pushed to the back of my mind, like how my actions affect others. But I couldn't stop the cascade of thought. Of course, being the way I am, once I realized how my actions were affecting others, I tried to bury it again, before my consciousness realized how horrible a person I've been. But then I had an epiphany about some things which lead to an epiphany about other things. And I realized that I've been withdrawing into my shell again. If it continues, I'll probably seem cold and heartless like I used to be, years ago. That is, if I'm even still on the net.
A while ago, I decided to stop taking my antidepressants. They never fix the problem. Just like when I used to be alcoholic. When I used to drink and take pills and pass out or cry myself to sleep. All my problems would still be there, louder and more painfully bright than ever. I have this tendency to run from my problems.
Of course this never solves anything, but I do it anyway. And I see myself ending up alone, isolated by my own actions, either on the street or in a psych ward. Well, that is one of a few possibilities. But being alone, being away is the likely one.
So what I'm basically saying is that I'm putting myself through my own personal hell, and there is nothing anyone can do to help me. If I emerge from these cleansing fires, then maybe I'll be a better person. If not, I'll die. I guess it's a win win situation.
I realize now why I felt so compelled to write this and post it. Because otherwise, I'd just end up burying it again.
